Through him, Me

I had awaited and dreaded this day. I both wanted to graduate and didn’t. I wasn’t ready to leave the place I knew as home for three and a half years to go back my parents’ house. Most of all, I didn’t want to stop being a couple of miles away from him.

I looked at him as he slept, hoping this wasn’t too stalkerish. But we did have different sleep schedules. I was an early riser due to work and school and research, and he did his best work at night. He would always come to bed when I went to bed, and I would try to stay up for him so we could spend more time together.

Our relationship wasn’t always the easiest and there were times when we weren’t together but through it all, we had each other. He was unlike anyone I’d ever met before. He understood the word ‘No.’ He asked before kissing me. He asked before touching me. He was my first time traveling on a motorcycle. He was simply freedom and respect and beauty, a unicorn with pink hair and a ginger beard.

I wrapped my arms around him and tried to embrace him the best I could without waking him up. He stirred but his soft snores indicated he was still out. He loved it when I was the big spoon. So whenever I could, I would hold him just as he held me through the intense recollections of past traumas. Because of him, the everyday thoughts that used to suck me into a pit of despair and tears were replaced by livelier memories and happier adventures. He taught me how to live. I stopped spending all my time hiding in my apartment and explored the town with him, opening myself up to more experiences. I could trust again, not just other people but myself.

Not only was I afraid to lose him with my impending move, I was afraid of losing myself and the happy, free person I was with him. I knew that losing him, I would lose the safety net I had embraced myself with, and I would be likely to fall again. And the thought of that threatened to send me into this all-around panic where I can’t breathe and I have to clutch at my throat and my chest and my skin gets itchy and tears fill my eyes and I need to--absolutely positively need to--wrap myself with my own arms or with something resembling warmth. And I was living under threat of having to do that.

A shift in his breathing pulled me away from my mind, and I decided to do what I always did with him: living in the moment. I ran my fingers in his hair and kissed his shoulder softly. His eyes gently fluttered open, and I felt a bit guilty at waking him up.

He looked at me and smiled. “Good morning.” He leaned over to meet my lips.

“Morning,” I said, smiling back.

“Ready for graduation?”

I groaned. “I’m excited for my dress but it’s going to be cold and I may freeze tonight.”

“You’ll look great though.”

I shrugged. “True.” I leaned down to nuzzle his jawline and his arms held me tighter to him.

“You know, I’m really happy you’re graduating but...I really love the way things have been going.”

“Me too. But I’ll be back as soon as I get a job,” I promised with every bit of my being. Wait for me, I thought.

“I’ll hold you to it,” he said, confirming my thoughts that he would.