It crushes me, strangles me, renders me useless. When you're walking down the street and feel like there's someone following so you breathe very quietly, listening for sounds of a potential murderer. Of course, when you turn around, no one's there. But that moment of panic leaves you spooked. It's an easy guess: self-doubt. Low self-esteem. Basically knocking myself down with my self-referential abuse.

A man at work told me I was beautiful today. I smiled, said thank you, turned back to my computer screen. The smile was actually genuine, it was nice to be noticed. My reaction disturbed me more than his creepy comment. Of course, he'd reduce me to my looks. Men's acknowledgement only increases my distate for myself. I'm not on this earth to please the eye of the male beholder. At times like this, I want to run away from my body.

When one man says I'm beautiful, I wonder why I don't get cat-called. All the horrible things that happen to women on a daily basis, don't to me. Why would I want to go through these humiliating experiences? Because if I don't, it means I'm not worthy. I'm not pretty enough to degrade. This toxic train of thought never stops.

See the self-doubt I was talking about earlier? I can't run away from it.