a song that echoes the footsteps of the lost
run run little girl from the shadow that threatens to eat. devour.
run run away little girl
and she’s falling falling deeper lower
and the song is heard, that echoes the footsteps of the lost
she follows it to death and back
the trumpet tolling keenly into the beat of her heart:
whispering courage, courage in a beat that falls in step with a heart
forever mocking and haunting her.
run run little girl and she does away, away
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.
She opens her eyes.
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One day, she opens her eyes, wakes up and her world is never the same.
It keeps running in one line that only goes down.
One day, she woke up and five years had passed. She was nineteen not fourteen. But to her, it felt the same. And she went on with her life, adjusted to Kathika’s life. Because that who she was before— who she is supposed to be— who everyone tells she is. But, she can’t remember there is a void in her memories and she can’t remember anything or anyone.
And it drove her crazy.
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But, she tried— tries.
She tries to re-learn who Kathika was supposed to be. But, the steps feel wrong, moments that everyone looks expecting her but they get her and their expression fall. And there is dull hollowness in her. So, she tries harder. Harder and harder. She whispers the name to herself each night until she trains her self to respond when someone calls it. She whispers the name so much, it echoes into a rhythm falling in step with her heartbeat taunting every time she tries to fit into her new life. Every time she tries to fit in Kathika’s life.
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And it goes like this:
she tries so hard catches up to the world, but it’s going too fast and her steps are too slow, wrong. And she stumbles and falls too many times. And it’s— Again. Again. Again.
Despite this, she never stops. Never gives up.
(sometimes she wonders if she was this type of person before.
She once wondered. Then, stopped and decided: this is who I am not Kathika.
And the hollowness in her heart never went away, but it lessened.)
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The first person she re-learns is Kathika’s— no, her mother. A forty-year-old woman with long brown hair and bright blue eyes. A woman called Jane who wears heart on her sleeve, who is loud and proud. The complete opposite of her. Jane is always moving, helping her adjust to life, to school and helping her feel welcome. She is always smiling. The complete opposite of her.
Sometimes, she looks up at Jane as Jane smiles at her and thinks: this is wrong wrong wrong.
Jane’s eyes are dull. Hollow. Her smiles never reach her eyes and are jagged at the edges. She tries too much to help her, tells her who she was before, tries to make fit into a personality she is not. Not anymore. And Jane is always moving. Too fast, too fast— she can’t keep up. But, she tries.
At first, she tries to get close to Jane. To call her, mother— she tries and tries so much. But, it’s not working. Jane is mourning the loss of her daughter, the one who called her mom, the girl who always smiled at her, the girl who laughed at her lame jokes, the girl she missed five years of.
The girl, she is not. But— Jane can’t see that.
And so, she keeps on trying. Stumbles and falls and grips on the thought that somehow everything will get better.
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Spoiler: it doesn’t.
And the name, Kathika haunts her. It echoes, pulses in time with her heart— mocking her very existence.
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After Jane, it’s Kathika’s — no her father she re-learns. His name is Aaron. A forty-year-old man who is a little quieter than his wife, who works 6 hours a day. Black eyes and light brown hair. She almost never sees him in the day. But when she catches him, his eyes are tired. He looks like someone who has lost a lot of in life, he doesn’t try to fake a smile around her like Jane does as everyone else does. And when he smiles, it’s a small very sad one that pierces her heart and crushes it to dust like- everyone’s fake smiles.
Aaron looks like a man that lost a lot before, and acts like this is not the first time. She is not surprised if he had, he used to be in the military during the war. A general. And he walks like a man who once held part of the world on his shoulders.
She appreciates the quiet moments with him. Where there’s only silence and for once, she doesn’t have to act like Kathika.
But every time she looks up at him, she sees his tired old old black eyes that speak volumes of sadness. And she can’t help but think and think: what if.
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And the name, Kathika haunts her. It echoes, pulses in time with her heart— mocking her very existence.
And for not the first time, she wishes she had her memories. But, she doesn’t.
And alone, she silently suffers.
Cries into her pillows in the privacy of her room, at night time when the house is asleep and she is sure Jane and Aaron are asleep.
Her sobs are ugly and muffled by her pillow.
And then morning comes and if her eyes are swollen and red— no one comments. But they do stare a little more, and if they have similar red, swollen eyes… Well, then she pretends.
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Next, she re-learns Kathika’s— no her siblings. Matthew, her oldest brother. Twenty-two-years-old. Blue eyes like his mother and light brown hair like his father. A man who is loud, brash and gets embarrassed too easily. Then, it’s Evan her other older brother. Twenty-years-old. Black eyes like his father and brown hair like his mother. Quieter than Matthew who loves to tease Matthew. He’s younger than Mathew but acts more mature.
They both act like older brothers to her. But, there’s a disconnection between them that siblings aren’t supposed to have. That she thinks that siblings aren’t supposed to have.
Matthew and Evan both live in other houses, so she usually doesn’t see them.
(She’s not supposed to feel relief at this. But, she does. And she can’t help but think: what if what if. )
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And sometimes, she wonders where she fits in this family. If not that, she wonders how that person, how kathika fit into this family. The name that haunts her. The person, who’s shadow she can’t escape. Even if they have the same shadow.
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Once, she looked at the mirror, a week after she woke up. And a teenager stared back with bright blue eyes and light brown hair. Blue eyes like Jane. Light brown hair like Aaron. And the image was unfamiliar. A girl with small thin nose and brown freckles.
And what if, what if, what if drummed in her thoughts like the name, Kathika as she looked in the mirror.
As she looks in the mirror, at her reflection ever time–
the face forever haunting her, mocking her.
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She re-learns the people in Kathika’s— no her life.
Family. Jane. Aaron. Mathew. Evan.
Then— relatives. Cousins. Aunties. Uncles. Jack. Mason. Ryan. Julie. Ellie. Cassie. Cassandra. Oliver. Luke. Blue eyes. Black eyes. Others green, or brown eyes. But the hair colour is all the same, either dark brown or light hair. People who smile too much and talk a bit to loud.
Then it’s— neighbours. Two other families that live at each side of Kathika’s— no her parents’ house. Kind and warm people, with kids that like joke around too much.
And everywhere she looks she can see:
lots of people who look at her like they know her but she doesn’t. They overcrowd her and she has to act like she is someone else— someone she isn’t. She tries and tries to keep with the change. But everyone moves to fast and her steps are too slow, wrong. And she stumbles and falls too many times. And it’s— Again. Again. Again.
And everywhere she looks she can see:
lots of people who step around like she’s made of glass. People who knew her all her life and look like she is wrong. And everything tastes hollow. And it’s again. Again. Again.
But despite everything, despite this, she never stops. Never gives up.
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(sometimes she wonders if she was this type of person before.
She once wondered. Then, stopped and decided: this is who I am not Kathika.
She clung on this one thing as hers instead of Kathika because her shadow is too dark and too big. And for once, she wanted something to be hers.
To not lose herself trying to be Kathika. )
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(— and wasn’t that funny, because she was Kathika. )
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And sometimes she wishes she is Kathika. Because everything would be much easier. But, she’s not. Not anymore.
And the name, Kathika haunts her. It echoes, pulses in time with her heart— mocking her very existence.
And alone, she silently sufferers.
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And like that, time passes days, weeks then months.
Six months.
And six months after she woke up, she finally, finally remembers something.
A word:
Courage.
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She opens her eyes.
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And after six months, six long long months she opens her eyes, wakes up with the word courage at the tip of her tongue and her world is never the same.
It will keep on running in one line that only will only go up.
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*Kathika is a name derived from the god Kartikeya, which means “bestower of courage”.