cosmos

i miss missing you. some say that with time you heal, you learn to cope. why can’t i feel like that? when i begin to cope to feel better, it makes me feel worst because i wonder will oneday you be like the pain. will oneday my wounds from you heal?

will oneday i wake and not so easily recall to mind your face?

your smile?

your voice?

funny, thing about healing is that you’re never healed. the other day as i went to bed i realized that i hadn’t thought about you all day. it broke me. it hurt me. i didn’t like the way it felt to be healed because without the pain, without the hurt and the endless nights crying myself to sleep i felt like it meant that i was forgetting you, moving on. i thought i was ready to be healed i’m tired of being sick and and i’m sick of being tired. at least that’s what i thought. i so wanted to wake up oneday and feel okay. feel like i could breathe, think, without that haze of you clouding my thoughts. without feeling like every part of me was living for you sacrifricing for you, wasting away for you. but frankly i can’t your imprint is too greatly upon me. feeling better would mean forgetting you. so i carry this pain about me like a distant memory of you. like a picture of you. like a rememberance of you. You are apart of me.

your love changed who i was, who i am as a person and so when i feel the pain it’s like holding you close. i know it’s stuipd, it’s silly, naivee, but how else am i to keep you close in my mind? how else am i supposed to still be effected by you? how else am is my heart supposed to jump when i hear your name?

i know that you’ve moved on, out of neccesity you’ve forgotten me. but i can’t accept that you are merely apart of my past.