Fear

i thought i knew Pain

a stub of a toe, the black of an eye, the prick of a thumb

i thought i knew Pain

a step on a rock, a tumble or two, the slice of a kitchen knife

i thought i knew Fear

the dark, a ghost, a murderer

i thought i knew a lot of things

"the bones in her leg are twisted, it's called external tibial torsion. she'll need surgery."

what is this, flooding my mind?

i can't move, my limbs are lead

this must be Fear

"we'll make two incisions...sever the bones...twist...a plate and four screws...can't go wrong...3 month recovery.."

the hospital is Fear

the waiting

for hours

the needle in my arm

the drugs flooding my system

i wake up

this is Pain

this must be Pain

then the drugs wear off

my parents watch as i scream and writhe

my nerves are out of whack, i'm told

they had to twist my foot almost ninety degrees

it stretched the nerves

moved them around

nerves allow you to feel Pain

so nerve Pain is Pain in its purest form

and i'm full of it

"she should stay the night, she can't go home like this."

no sleep

finally the nurse decides

morphine

i miss two weeks of school

in bed

crying

screaming

on Pain meds that barely seem to help

eventually, i return

three months later

i'm still limping

physical therapy says it's fine

i just need to regrow the muscles

this is Fear, for sure

i know, something is wrong

i can feel it

when i walk

when i stand

i tell my mom

"it's psycosomatic, you're fine."

still not healed

back to the doctor

words echo through my head "can't go wrong"

.

.

.

.

.

it went wrong

the bone slipped

the screws broke

the plate moved

i have to do it again

i was wrong

knowing Pain

not the idea of Pain

knowing when and where you will feel it

how it will be administered

who will be rearanging your body

the screws that will drill through your bones

holding you together

that is Fear

the drugs are slightly less powerful the second time

i'm still barely awake when they strap me to the table

i barely see the glint of a scalpel

this is Fear

i'm not in an office

i'm strapped to a table

that man will cut me open

and these people will watch

him drill through my bones

at least they give me morphine quicker that night