control.

I give a fuck about you.

That’s why it kills me when I see you have doubts about yourself and the incredible improvements you are making in your life; all for some shit-head who doesn’t give a fuck about you. You are doing so fucking great these past few weeks at helping yourself get better, and I just don't want you to throw it away over anyone. No one is worth that; not even me. That’s why I’m so fucking proud of you for what happened today. It was hard, fuck yes it was hard, but you did the right thing, and I seriously couldn’t be more proud of you for it,

I won’t lie or spout any bullshit about how I am feeling: Yes, it does worry me when this happens. Yes, it broke me you chose him over me. Yes, it does sadden me a little bit when his pretty words give you conflicted feelings. But fuck if I will act on those feelings and do something stupid. And fuck if I will hate myself for those feelings. Because those feelings are human. You can’t help feelings; only what you do about them.

And it’s exactly the same thing with you. You can’t hate yourself for the way you feel. Just because memories of happy times and well-put-together sentences give you doubts that you completely abhor, it doesn’t mean you are a bad person. Feeling things that you wish you didn’t because of the unexpected is no reason to feel shame or guilt. All these things have no absolute bearing whatsoever on what you actually decide to do. They influence it yes, but you always have the last say.

No one controls you unless you let them.

So I guess I just wanted to get this down in writing. Maybe just incase it happens again and you doubt yourself one more time. I just want you to know how I feel, and to remind you of things you already know but occasionally forget. You control your life. Only you. And you have successfully proved this time and time again; so don’t ever forget it. You’ve done it so many times it’s ridiculous, and this is not something you can do then suddenly not know how to do anymore.

Don’t give in to shit that you have conquered before. You are the strongest fucking person I know, so don’t let anyone who doesn’t give a fuck about you run your life. Hell, don’t let anyone who DOES give a fuck about you run your life.

You are the only one who has any say in any part of your existence. Fuck anyone who tells you otherwise.