Untitled. . .

January 4th, 2019 and a 39 minute drive through the back roads of Sebastopol, CA

On my way to a place you and I once went together, and oh, it was our anniversary.

My drive becomes dangerous as tears fill my eyes and my vision becomes more blurry than I would like it to be on a rainy day.

Have you ever gotten out of a bath and came back hours later to find that the last, small layer of water never quite drained from the floor of the tub? So imagine that, but with your eyes.

I have never cried like this before.

My voice, just as broken as the rest of me, could not assist in letting my emotions out of their cage, and my soul withstood another pang of helplessness.

I have never cried like this before.

I have never cried as if my very soul, was melting.

Seeping out from within me just as lava does from a broken, weeping volcano, and I’ve NEVER felt this vulnerable.

I HATE it.

Almost as friends, I followed the same dull silver colored Acura, for 17 miles.

I sit down on a fallen tree and the man standing chest deep in the middle of the freezing lake looks at me like I just hopped his back fence, and we share an awkward moment.

One hour passed and I had made a decision.

I drove back home, silent.

January 7th, 2019 and a message that I was not prepared for.

“We could do tomorrow if you like”

Air catches violently in my throat and my brain fails me.

“3 works for me, if that works for you”

“Perfect, see you there”

Left on read because I suddenly didn’t what the color green was anymore,

How am I going to prepare for this?

January 8th, 2019 and a 2 minute drive to the place I once called home.

To the man I once called home.

Waiting.

I’m going to throw up.

Burning a metaphorical hole through the staircase I know you will descend from and you make me wait.

Seconds tick by like years and finally, here he comes.

My organs begin to blend together like a fruit smoothie.

I’m going to throw up.

The door opens and I CAN’T LOSE IT NOW.

We tell stories and laugh, no shortage of inside jokes, and it feels REALLY GOOD to see him again.

We drift between places that mean something yet nothing. and I find myself comforted by a thought that once destroyed me.

Our eyes meet and I’m sure we’re both remembering the night our lips did the same, but it DOESN’T MATTER.

This is the man who made it his BUSINESS to let me down.

And now that I am where I am now, suddenly, I am thankful that he did.

January 8th, 2019 another 2 minute drive back to the place I NOW call home.

To the MAN I call home.

I cry tears of relief and regret, but it feels okay because I know this HAS to happen.

I’ve made my decision.

It’s a good one,

And I can do it.