AND THEN THERE WAS FEAR

It all happened like a joke. I just wanted to help, be a good student for the first time in my life and so I accepted to go to his office that day even with the warning bells ringing in my mind I still went. Till this day I wonder why I went there and as much as I hate to admit it I still blame myself for what happened after that.

When he called me I wasn’t really available but I decided to go anyway. I can tell you today that it was the biggest mistake of my life. It all started normally with nothing to be worried about but then he came to sit beside me, I felt a sudden jolt of fear but he used the disguise of teaching and I naively believed that that was all there was.

He started touching me, here and there, innocent touches it seemed. At this point though, I felt fear deep in my bones. I had never felt the deep gut wrenching fear before. I tried to leave but he wouldn’t let me. I couldn’t scream because at that moment when I was facing my worst fear all I could think about was the stigma it would leave if I had screamed.

I endured it all while screaming and hoping and praying for it to end. It was the single worst day of my life. The fear inhibited me in ways I didn’t even know. The fear made me go crazy. I wanted to be strong and unaffected, I put on a smile when all I felt was despair. I was a mess though, and I kept on telling myself I had no right to feel that way. I told myself that if I wasn’t penetrated then nothing happened but that didn’t stop the fear I felt. It didn’t stop the terror in my bones I felt anytime something vaguely reminded me of that night. I was so desperate to forget that I did anything and everything I . It made me so reckless. I would have done anything to be normal again, who am I kidding I did anything and everything. In my desperation I fell for the wrong guy but sometimes I thank God for him because if he wasn’t there to distract me when I needed it most I wouldn’t be past that and I wouldn’t be stronger.