The Text

Is it that I have an attachment to fear? Or a fear of attachment? Ever since suffering a monumental heartbreak, I can’t decide which one it is.

You see, I get scared to text too much. To say the “wrong” thing. To drive someone away with my desire for companionship.

Then again, it is, as they say, “a pain that I’m used to”. So I live inside of the fear. I drown in it. I quiet the little voice in my head that says I’m being irrational and I revel in the pain I’ve created for myself. That certain sort of head-trip, mind-fuck, guilt-ridden out of control downward spiral that only someone with a mind as talented, anxiety-addled, and depressed as mine could possibly engineer. This pain is a monster all of my own making. One composed of fear that defies all logic.

I hold my phone in my hand and I shake. I’ve just hit “send” and already I’m nauseated. What if they don’t answer back? What if they do and say they never want to hear from me again? What if they just drop me like a hot potato and never look back? No warning. No explanation. No concern for my feelings.

I’ll be left with the one persisten question that has nagged me for eternity: What did I do?