Journal Excerpts

I’ve tried again and again, but can no longer find the light in life. I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I may bring happiness to you all, but I can’t bring happiness to myself. This time I honestly feel okay with it. I don’t feel like I owe anybody an explanation. The only person I have to answer to is myself, and unfortunately I am unforgiving. I really appreciate all that you have done for me. Just understand it’s not your fault. This is something that I just can’t overcome. Life just keeps throwing me under the bus, and I can no longer take it. As positive as I’ve tried to be, replacing all the negative thoughts with positive ones it still follows me. Maybe I am truly crazy, maybe it is all in my head... I don’t know...but I do know that I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve blindly helped others to fill this hole, but fate has proven time and time again that there is no escape. So, why continue to run? It’s time to confront my destiny in the only way that seems fit, because this grueling test changes every time I think I’ve figured it out. Instead of continuously battling and tearing myself apart. I think I’ll just give in to my greatest desire. Like I've said before, “What’s the point in living, if the only comfort you find in life is death...?” I have given it my all till I have nothing left to give. Don’t think of it as me trying to prove a point, understand that this is me coming to terms with my greatest demons. No longer will I let them destroy everything and everybody around me. It’s time I face them instead of running. Regrettably, this is my only way out. I try so hard but always end up right back here. I’m a shell of a person that once was. It may not seem that way to all of you, but what I project is completely different when compared to what I feel inside. The feelings conveyed within these words died, as did the state of mind I was in while writing them.