Round Hole, Square Peg

Funny you should ask about being a misfit. This is a thought that has weighed heavily on me lately. With every passing year, I feel less connected to others. Blame it on social media and technology if you like. If you ask me, this is who I’ve always been. Being accepted or acceptable has never been on my agenda, when I really think about my core values. Maybe that’s why I’m such a homebody now. I don’t look forward to going out to events to deal with crowds of people and loud music. They hype it up on the radio, with banners and signs….then most times it’s a mediocre disappointment. I went through a phase where people and events were appealing, or maybe I just temporarily fooled myself into thinking I liked it. Now, I’m back at equilibrium. My books. My quiet. My home. My peace.

And it isn’t that I hate people. But I like certain people. The close meaningful connections with the ones who listen and understand what a conversation is. NOT those who like the sound of their own voice and choose the quiet, introverted soul out of the crowd to yap to death about nothing without taking one breath! These exhausting people, I can do without. I love those who I don’t have to “show out” for. I like the ones I can be me around…I don’t have to find some angle to gain their approval. Yes, these are the ones I love. The hardest part about life is dealing with people that you'd rather not deal with on any level. To keep a job, to make others comfortable… you have to put on so many “hats."

But even with the people I connect well with, for my mental health, long breaks from even them are incredibly therapeutic. I can’t imagine being married with children. Too much noise and even more responsibilities than I have now! No thanks. At times I worry that this could backfire on me. Will even those close to me grow tired of my need for time away? Will they find me selfish and inconsiderate? Now we’re back in this game of “approval.” Finding the balance between independence and “bending” just enough to continue healthy relationships can be delicate.