The demon

From the moment you open your eyes it’s there like a quiet demon lurking in the shadows, whispering hushed words into what could have been a peaceful morning. The twisting starts in your stomach, you are grinding your teeth without noticing and your heartbeat has already risen in the two minutes since you awoken. There is no rolling over to embrace the sleep you were torn from. There is no chance at laying still before slowly rising to greet your day; you’re up and your brain is already moving at light speed. A million tasks stretch out like a road map without destination and you hear words overlapping themselves in your head like the voices of a hundred suppressed worries that are fighting for acknowledgement.

Your body aches in attempts to play catch up with a brain that has left it behind in its leap to pursue the day. You lace your shoes, fingers itching for something to do, brain whispering don’t leave the house, heart beating too fast to keep time. You wait at the door, listen, wonder, think. You pace once, twice, three times. Pick up your keys-- put them back down. Check the door, once, twice, three times.

The demon isn’t so quiet now. The hushed words have turned to screams piling up in the back of your throat until they feel as though they will choke you from the inside out. You tell him to shut up. You demand he lay low. You clench down, nails biting flesh, tell him to leave you alone. You unlock the door.

One foot in front of the other until you’re running. Feet pounding on the concrete until the wind in your ears deafens the demon and drowns out the voices. The thoughts are gone and all you can hear is the reminder to breathe. One foot in front of the other. You think maybe you’ve finally outrun him, that he’s gone for good this time. Hesitantly you stop running. The voices are quiet, the demon is silent.

It seems easy to forget anything was wrong this morning, as though the monsters at your door were purely figments of your imagination or the remnants of a dream still clinging to your subconscious. Your heart beat is keeping time with your thoughts and the world doesn’t seem as grey anymore. But just as quickly as it leaves it can come back. The demon can rise from his dark corner with renewed strength and fasten its gnarly claws on your mind, bringing the haunting voices of regret, fear and insecurity with him.

You unlace your shoes, fingers shaking with too much to do, brain whispering you can’t run now, heart beating too fast to keep time. Your own voice is yelling to be heard over the chorus of noise within. Shouting reminders to breathe, to stay calm, to ignore the demon’s lies. You pace once, twice, three times. Sit down--stand back up. Inside it feels like a stampede, noise so loud you can’t remember what silence is. Outside the world is unaware that anything is different. Still and quiet and blind.

The demon has you gagged and bound, bruised and scarred, but your skin wears nothing but the shadows of your torture. You can run but you can’t hide. You can lock your doors but he’s still inside. No one to save you, because there’s nothing there. Just a quiet demon lurking in the shadows, whispering hushed words into what could have been a peaceful life.

-Jan/23