FYI Loneliness Sucks

*Sidenote: this is something I wrote a couple of years ago about being alone. I'm still here, still alone, but still alive.*

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, but I think I’m finally ready to start again, at least for now.  I can’t sleep.  I’ve had too many thoughts, most of them about trivial matters just like any other normal human being.

Lately I keep thinking about how old I am.  I’m 27 now.  I know it’s not a huge number, but to me it hurts.  It hurts because I am constantly reminded that the majority of those years I have been alone.  Not alone in the sense of being without family or friends, more in the sense of singleness.  I know that I’m not the only one who has been or is still single for as long as I have, so yeah… this is for those that can relate.

It is terrifying.  Each year that passes is another year of having to be used to being alone.  Each year you become more independent, more set in your ways.  Each year you go without important physical contact like holding hands, cuddling, reassuring back rubs, generally just someone being there for you.  And each year you begin to lose more friends and family to marriage and/or children.  Not saying that last one is a horrible thing, I mean they’re happy and sure you might still see them, but it becomes increasingly hard for them to be there in times you really need them most.

All of these things I have felt or still feel, and I know they can be selfish thoughts.  Loneliness can do that to a person.  Sometimes I tune it out making myself numb, and other times like tonight my singleness is like a heavy weight.  My own personal hell.  I know it shouldn’t be a burden, most times I love not having to answer to anyone.  I love having the peace and quiet.  But I also know that the longer I am alone, the louder my belief that I am unlovable becomes.

I start to think “Maybe I really am ugly”, or “I must really be unbearable to be around.”  All of my insecurities resurface and the idea of trying to date is impossible to comprehend.  When I think about how I’ve been alone for so long, I worry if I tried dating that it’d be almost unfair for them.  The older you get the harder it is to find someone who can handle your baggage and vice versa.  I would need someone with a lot of patience to be able to put up with me.  I’d have to relearn everything, even small things like how to react if they tried holding my hand.  I’m just not used to most physical contact.  It’s not that I’m shy or naive, touching just generally freaks me out now.

*Sigh* All of my issues aside, I think the most poisonous thing in my many years of singleness is people pushing the “Someday you’ll find true love, just wait for it like I did!”  I honestly want to punch them in the face now.  It’s almost along the lines of “good things come to those who wait”, or “God will bless you if you trust in Him.”  What a slap to people who do all of these things and never get what most consider “blessings”.  FYI read the Bible and what Jesus says are blessings.  Whenever someone says that crap to me now I think of my brother Stu.  He died of cancer at 22, single.  He did not get a wedding, he did not get children.  But he was old enough to want all of that.  I just wish that people would tell the truth.

This is the truth.  For those of you who are single and have tried waiting, or tried praying for the right one: Maybe you’ve done everything under the sun to find someone you can stand to love… the thing is, it might never happen to you.  You could end up dying young like my brother (harsh but true), or maybe you will find someone but it could take you 30+ years… You just have to learn to be okay with that.  Believe you me, I know how hard it is to just accept that your state of singleness could be permanent.  It sucks giant balls.  Sorry for the crudeness but I don’t know how else to put it, so I’ll leave you with this.

My age not only reminds me that I’ve been alone for so long, it reminds me that I once told myself (and God) that if I was still single by the time I reached 25, I would end it all.  I couldn’t bare the idea that I was getting older and still no one wanted me for more than just my body.  And yet here I am, 2 years later.  I’m still learning to accept it.  Some days are easier than others.  But maybe someday I’ll fully realize that some luxuries are not meant for everyone.  And that’s okay.