I Am Alone

I am alone. I know I am because I have burned in my mind exactly how the branches interlace on the tree outside my window. Every spot and smudge on the ceiling memorized. Self hatred lush with growth by constant watering. Unanswered calls assaulting me with their expectant response. Door shut. Curtains pulled. I am alone. Why are people sabotaging my carefully planned existence? Unsolicitous advice; "Go for a walk, exercise will make you feel better. Go out and buy yourself something special. Get out with people." Stop! Do you actually think that I haven't heard these trite offers of wisdom a thousand times? Do you really think I can take a shower, get dressed and face the masses of people who are doing what I can't? You know what? I never feel as alone as I do when I am with people. It's then that the spotlight is turned on me to show every blemish. I am forced to see people doing what they are meant to be doing. Being productive. Cleaning their houses, going to work, posting countless photos on Facebook of the fabulous lives they lead. Me. I have thought about my dirty bathroom for two weeks as I lay paralyzed in my bed. Taking a shower involves more self respect than I have access to. I want to be alone. Silence has no expectations, shows no pity. I am alone because It has chosen me. I never really had a choice.

Note: I had bad depression for 2 years several years ago and I drew on how I felt at that time. I am in a much better place! God reminded me over and over during that time that He had no expectations of me and that He loved me as the Father He is to me. See, I was never alone.