Never Alone

Pushing open the door, Gabriella pulled her jacket snug around her as if making it tighter would help to keep out the chill of the wind. It was unseasonably cold and, for some reason, it seemed fitting. The sun was bright enough to offer a soft yellow tint to the gray haze of the day. From behind the shelter of the coffee shop window, it looked deceptively warm. The deception was what made it all the more fitting.

Making her way to the line at the front of the shop, she avoided eye contact with everyone around her. She had always liked coffee shops. They were the perfect place to be surrounded by people while also being perfectly alone. They mirrored the way she moved through life: surrounded by others, but never connected.

She didn’t know why she craved a caffeinated sugar-bomb, today of all days. Perhaps it was simply an attempt to cling to routine. As she placed her order, the cashier tried to tempt her with a baked sweet to pair with her drink. “Sure,” was all she managed. Why not. What was a few extra dollars or a couple hundred calories at this point?

Gabriella began to pull out her cash but was stopped by the barista. “Oh, it’s already taken care of.” She nodded to the gentleman who had placed his order before hers. “He asked to pay for the next customer in line, so congrats! Your order is free today.”

“Oh,” was all she could muster. She couldn’t return the barista’s smile, but felt a flicker of warmth in her chest. She hadn’t intended to keep her money, though. She didn’t need it anyway. “Um, well, take my money then. You can use it for the next customer or someone else who could use it.”

The barista again thanked her and cheerily moved on to the next customer. Gabriella went to wait for her order, standing next to the middle-age man who had paid for it. She let her eyes glance up briefly, acknowledging his presence, then immediately dropped them back down.

“That was a nice thing you did, paying it forward like that.”

Surprised at this sudden verbal exchange, she broke from her normal M.O. and found herself meeting his gaze. “It was nothing. You did the same for me.” There was something striking about his eyes. They were a light blue/grey color that bordered on lavender, and were made all the more striking by their contrast with his tanned skin.

“But you could have just accepted the free drink. Instead you chose to continue the good deed.”

Gabriella shrugged. Her voice remained distant and uninterested. “It doesn’t really matter.”

“Oh, it matters, Gabriella. It matters more than you know.” She felt a sudden life zip through her like a bolt of electricity, though it was gone nearly as fast as someone flipping a switch to turn off a light.

“I believe this is yours.” He handed her a cup. Her name, which had been given to the barista, was scrawled across the cup.

Gabriella turned to grab the bag which held the slice of pound cake she had splurged on. As she turned back around, the man was nowhere to be seen.

Gabriella left the shop, bracing herself against the wind. She clutched her treats close. The hot coffee warmed her hands through the cardboard sleeve, but the sensation seemed to go no deeper than her skin. The fleeting moments of feeling she had in the coffee shop, the flicker of warmth, the jolt of electricity, had again been extinguished. She took a sip from her cup, scorching her tongue in the process. Sometimes it seemed like these simple physical sensations were all that was left to remind her that she was alive instead of a background in someone else’ story or the ghost of a person who once was.

She rounded the corner of the shop, which blocked some of the wind. There, she stood against the wall and rested her head back on the bricks behind her. She watched the cars drive past without really seeing them and took a few more sips of her scalding coffee. Now that she had the pound cake, she really didn’t feel like eating it. There was no point in letting it go to waste, however. She would have to find someone else to give it to. There was already too much waste in the world.

As she wandered the streets, she came across a man sitting near a bus stop. His clothes were worn and he sat next to a rolled up sleeping bag. A lumpy trash bag sat to his other side, which he was rummaging through. A cardboard sign rested against his sleeping bag.

“Excuse me,” the man started as Gabriella came closer. He looked up at her in surprise. “I don’t mean to bother you, but I bought this pound cake a little earlier. It sounded good with my coffee, but I am really not hungry. I’d rather it not go to waste. Would you like it?”

“Uh, yes. Thank you, miss. That is very kind.” As he eagerly reached up for the bag, their eyes met. It was only a moment before they both looked away, but Gabriella could have sworn he had almost the same strange blue/gray/lavender eyes as the man in the coffee shop. “Many blessings.”

A chill not associated with the wind crawled up Gabriella’s spine. Of course, the words were common enough, but she hadn’t heard anyone use them as an expression of gratitude in over ten years. Her grandfather had carried over the phrase from his mother. Gabriella had continued its use until it led to teasing in school. The last time she heard someone say, “Many blessings” was as a send-off to her grandfather at his funeral.

Gabriella rushed away from the man without looking back.

Gabriella wandered down the streets, taking turns and crosswalks with no real aim or intention. Rounding a corner, she nearly walked into a group of college-age students outside of a trendy frozen yogurt café. They all held signs offering “Free Hugs” and to “Share the Love”. Gabriella made a move to cross to the vacant sidewalk opposite the café, but one of the students spotted her.

“Hey! You, there! Free hugs! You know you want one!” The young man nearest her was grinning with his arms open wide.

Gabriella sighed and moved to allow him to wrap her in an unreciprocated hug. Just before he closed in, she caught a flash of silver around his neck. Gabriella stiffened. She felt as though her veins had been injected with ice. Hung around the man’s neck had been a rather unremarkable silver cross. The pendant, however, was suspended by a braid of three interwoven rainbow cords. It was nearly identical to the one her brother used to wear. As the man released her from his hug, Gabriella turned and bolted across the street and around the corner.

She hadn’t cried in months, yet no sooner were the college students out of sight than the tears began streaming down her face. She felt a consuming emptiness begin to eat up her insides. Unlike the typical lack of connection or feeling that accompanied most of her waking moments, the emptiness was heavy and engulfing. Yet, somehow there was a calm that began to settle over her. Gabriella wiped away her tears and straightened up. Her brother had made his decision almost a year ago. Now it was her turn. At least neither of them would be alone anymore.

She needed to be done wandering. Gabriella made her way to a parking garage and climbed to the top. She stood at the edge, looking down 4 levels to alley below. She wasn’t sure if it would be high enough. How many floors was enough for what she needed? It didn’t matter. Not much did anymore.

“Nice view?” Gabriella hadn’t even heard anyone walk up behind her. Glancing around, she noticed a woman not ten feet from her. She seemed somehow familiar.

“Uh, yeah,” she lied. It was not a nice view.

“Uh-huh. I think there is a better one from that end of the garage.” The woman gestured with her hand. Why did she look familiar?

“There are more people over there.”

“That is exactly why I come up here to do some people-watching.” Gabriella felt a small smile on her lips despite herself. Her mom had always liked to go somewhere where she could just watch other people when she needed to get her mind off of something. She had done this most frequently when Gabriella’s grandfather was ill. After he passed, she ended up working more to try to pay back all of the medical bills and keep up with the new debts without his income. She hadn’t had time for people watching to distract her from her troubles anymore. After Gabriella’s brother’s death, her mother seemed to shut off all emotions or interests except for worry. His college debts had become another burden for her to bear, and nothing Gabriella did ever seemed to be enough. They had drifted far apart from the days her mom would take her to go people-watching at parks, malls, or small street cafés.

“Well, are you coming?” The woman’s voice pulled Gabriella back from her reverie.

She hesitated. “Sure,” she said reluctantly. She could just wait for this lady to leave, then be left in peace.

As she followed her parking garage companion, a realization set in. “Were you behind me at the coffee shop?”

The woman flashed her a smile. “I was. Thank you for the free snacks.” As she came to the edge of the garage, she motioned towards the street below, significantly more populated than the alley on the other side. “Now, isn’t that a better view?”

“It is more interesting.” Gabriella allowed.

“Not better?”

“I find it kind of lonely, if I am honest. Despite watching all those people, I know I am not a part of them. They pass by and would never know whether or not I existed.” Gabriella said this softly, but surprised even herself by what followed in barely a whisper. “Perhaps that makes them the lucky ones.”

“Now what would make you say that, Gabriella?”

“About a year ago my brother...passed away. Since then, I can’t help but feel that it should have been me. He was always better about cheering everyone up. He held our family together. He was smart. I just...I can’t make up for it. He could have fixed things. I cannot.” Gabriella barely questioned why she was saying all of this to a complete stranger.

“You know that is not true. I’m sure your mother wouldn’t agree.”

Gabriella found herself glancing down at her phone. She had missed a call from her mother about an hour ago. Her mother had left a message,then followed up with a text.

I am sorry I have been so busy lately. I just wanted to let you know that I love you and that I have been thinking. We need to have a girl’s day. Just you and me. Call me when you can. Love you.

Gabriella didn’t notice the tears streaming down her face until one dropped on the screen of her phone.

She looked up to find the woman watching her with the same light gray/lavender eyes as the man from the coffee shop and the homeless man. It struck her that had she not run immediately away, the college student wearing the cross probably had been looking down at her with those same strange eyes.

Gabriella barely registered the woman putting her arm around her as she slid to the floor. She felt a strange sense of calm come over her as the woman in front of her seemed to shine with a radiant light.

“You are not alone, Gabriella. You never have been. We have always been with you.” For the first time in a very long time, Gabriella did not feel alone.