You.

if I said so... then it makes it a reality, a truth and I don’t think I am ready for that

I don't think I am ready for you

For me & you

Because I have been here before

It's not that I am scared (maybe I am)

It's not that I don't want you (or do I?)

It's just. I don't think that I can do it again

I have been hurt before

And I don't want to ever to feel that way again

(or do I?) I do love you but I can't love you if that means I will lose my self again. For me,

love is temporary yet everlasting.

It's dangerous. It's intoxicating. It's blinding. It's beautiful. It's happiness.

It's staining. It's unknown.

It's a tragedy.

I am not scared to love you. I just don't want to make memories that I won't ever forget. I don’t step closer. It's not you, it's me.

maybe that says something about me. maybe that's why you still cling on my hand and wait. maybe that's why these words, no matter I much I say them, are meaningless. because you can't ever be ready for love. and despite everything, I always seem to lose to the temptation.

but, there’s one thing that will always stay. one fact. that no matter what, no matter what time, I can't (or I won't) say: I love you.

if I said so... then it won't feel real.

instead, I will show it.

in each moment, that I love despite that fact that I didn't want to. that there were so many moments I wanted to walk away but I couldn't. that there so many times, I have doubted our love but I, in the end, couldn't doubt you. That I couldn't stay away.

That to me, this does not feel like love. It's not loving. What I feel is deeper, more about me and you. More about us. But beyond it.

I can't name it.

It's not fate. It's not destiny. (or maybe it is)

It's just. when I see you, I want everything. Pain, love, happiness, regret. Anything that stains and leaves something behind.

(and perhaps, this says something about us that you still are clinging on and that I am, without noticing, have been clinging as well. )

you are not the first. you are not the last.

but. you are you.

and I don't think I can walk away from that.