Have Faith Little One

The concept of "faith" has always been lost on me, particuarly as applied to religion. It has always been absolutely ridiculous to me how religious people can take terrible events that happen to themselves and to others around the world and simply say "my faith says that God will see us through, no matter what." This is what I was told time after time after time, growing up without a Mother. I was a lonely, confused little girl who wanted nothing more than to have a family, and I suppose in a way I got one; my Grandparents. I was forced to have faith in them. My Mother, however, showed me through her constant abscence, and sudden reappearences that faith in her would destroy me; and it did. My Grandparents told me that when I was little, I used to pray to God for my Mom to come back, and that if it was "God's time" my prayer would be answered. I know better now. I stopped having faith in "God" and my Mother when I was 12, but the hurt didn't stop, only changed shape. Sadness gave way to constant disappointment and anger, anger that still has not gone away, even now. I placed my faith only in myself for years to come, until she came along.

Elizabeth Conner; my best friend. My bond with her was as close to religion as I would most likely ever get, and she made sure the faith I put in her would not go unnoticed. No matter what, she was there, and I did the same. Through other friends come and gone, lover after lover, even the one I thought was the one; she was there. Seven years this carried on, the only place I put my faith was in her, and I think she got tired of it. "Leave. Me. Alone" I read, the equivilent of a virtual restraining order and my soul melted into the lonely pit of my stomach. The concept of faith further lost on me. . .

As people, we need to have agency for our own actions, responsibility. We cannot simply pawn off our decisions, our faith onto an unseen entity, or another person we deem worthy, as they do not bear the consequences. The lesson is not learned by them, but by us. What matters most in this world is the faith we carry in ourselves, because no one can take that away. A broken, demented Mother that had no wish to care for a child, nor the woman you thought was your rock, only proving to be quicksand. Security comes when your faith is reliant upon no one, but yourself.

The concept of "faith" has always been lost upon me, particularly as it applies to other people.