A Phone Call from Gary
“It works like this. You’re selling but you’re also recruiting. The people who recruit give you a percentage of their sales. If you recruit enough sales people, eventually you can just live off their commissions. But even if it’s just you, this stuff sells itself. You’ve just got to have faith in yourself. It’s working out great.” Gary said
“Are you sure this isn’t a multilevel marketing scheme?” I asked
“Multilevel….? Listen, multilevel marketing is like Tupperware and lululemon and stuff like that. This is oxycontin we’re talking about here. Everyone loves oxy.”
“I don’t know. I thought you had to get that through a doctor. The news seems to think it’s bad”
“Hey, you can’t trust the news these days. They’re just pain pills. Like Tylenol. Do you have a problem with Tylenol?”
“No, I guess not.”
“Of course you don’t. And you don’t have a problem with those little heating pads you get from the drug store. You always said those were good for your back.”
“That’s true, I have always said that.”
“Well, this is just like a back pad, but it’s a pill. It’s a pill that helps people. My friend Ricky Is just trying to help out people who are hurting.”
“And who is Ricky again?’
“It’s this guy I met a cockfighting”
“I didn’t think cockfighting was legal in this country.”
“Well, that’s one on the things Ricky is trying to change. How can we allow chickens to be factory farmed, and yet not allow them the chance to die as proud warriors? It’s a damn disgrace, that’s what it is.”
“I don’t know about this, dear.”
“Anyway, that’s not what’s important right now. What I need you to do is go into the drugstore in Jenkintown with a prescription from Ricky.”
“Wait, Ricky’s a doctor?”
“Yeah, didn’t I mention that? Then, you’re going to go to the one in Hatboro. Then the one in Fort Washington. I just need you to get the pills.”
“I still don’t understand why Ricky can’t give people Tylenol? And why am I picking up prescriptions? I don’t think I understand this.”
“I just need you to get the pills and take them home. Then I’m going to send some friends your way. You’re going to sell them the pills, and give me the cash. You can keep 10 percent for yourself.”
“That’s so sweet of you. You’re always thinking of me.”
“Don’t let anyone try trade you something for the pills. White Joey’s always trying to give me Walkmans and Sega Dreamcasts for Oxy. Tell him if he does that Ricky will knock his teeth out with a hammer.”
“What’s a Dreamcast?”
“Never mind. I’m going to be there in half an hour with the prescriptions. I’m going to drive you to the drug stores. Can you be ready?”
“I suppose so. Is this really legal?”
“Of course it’s legal. Wouldn’t be doing it if it wasn’t. I just need you to do this for me for a little while. My neighbors are starting to complain about the traffic.”
“OK, I guess I can help out. Oh, I made those muffins you like.”
“The ones with the raisins?”
“Of course.”
“We’ll take the muffins with us. Just make sure you’re ready. I owe Ricky some money.”
Some time later, I got another call. I wasn’t going to pick it up, but it kept ringing and ringing.
“What the hell did you do?” asked Gary.
“What do you mean?”
“What…what do I mean? I just caught in a crossfire between some cartel hitmen and a SWAT team. I only let them take me in because I didn’t want to get castrated by Diego. I need you to bail me out.
“Oh, dear, oh dear, oh dear. I’m sorry. I don’t think I can do that.”
“What do you mean! You have to!”
“I don’t think I do dear. I talked to Ricky, and he said I should let you rot.”
“But…”
“Sweetie, you were right. All I had to do have faith in yourself, and you make money. But you know what else helps? Caring about the customers.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Have you even gotten to know White Joey? Or Jimmy the Cripple? They’re not just oxy users, they’re people too.
“Get me out of jail! Get me out of jail!” shrieked Gary. He was always so high strung, even when he was a little boy.
“Well, you should try being nicer to them. The nicer you are, the more they’re willing to by from you. I let White Joey trade me a Dreamcast for oxy, and guess what? Now I’m selling to his kids.”
“What the hell is going on?”
“I really need to thank you. I was living on a fixed income. All I had to do was believe I could sell oxycontin, and I did. Ricky is so proud of me. He calls me abuela diabolica.”
“You don’t even know Ricky! Please, I can’t stay in here!”
“He wanted to get in touch with me after he saw how much money I was bringing in. We got to talking and figured out you’ve been skimming money. The cartel is not a big fan of that.”
“Jesus!”
“I’m sorry, I can’t bail you out. It’s just business. Nothing personal.”
“You can’t leave me! You’re my grandmother!”
“Sorry dear, have to go.”
I hung up the phone. I couldn’t waste my time on Gary. Not when I had a pie in the oven and Ricky coming over to show me his cockfighting DVDs.