“Distressed”

Lillian watched as a new knight in shining armor came storming up to her castle, lance in hand, shield held high. He rode on a steed as noble as any, and bore the seal of the king across his chest. Definitely trained in hand-to-hand combat, archery, and the slaying of beasts, Lillian thought. His resume must have been impressive—ogres, giants, serpents, all must have fallen at his feet, a master of his trade. He didn’t stand a chance against her dragon.

As soon as he approached the moat, Lillian let out an ear-splitting wail. “Save me!” she called, trying to let all the helplessness she could muster seep into her voice.

He sat up a little straighter on his horse and looked toward her tower, nodding once he spotted her in the highest window.

As his horse’s hoof touched the drawbridge, a fearsome dragon swooped down from behind the turrets and sat directly in the entrance. She roared, opening her mouth as wide as possible to display her impressive row of teeth. Many knights turned tail at the mere sight of her, but this one wasn’t backing down.

She let out a stream of smoke that covered the bridge. The knight drew his sword and charged forward blindly, hoping to stab something, anything. She batted his weapon aside and thrashed out with her tail, knocking him off his horse.

Still, the knight wasn’t going down without a fight. He drew his crossbow and fired into the smoke. His arrows bounced harmlessly against her scales.

Tired of playing cat and mouse, the dragon leaned forward and cooked the knight on the spot. Her flames lit up the drawbridge and danced along the moat, singeing Lillian’s eyelashes with their impressive heat. The knight crumpled, his armor shriveling up like a grape turned raisin.

“He’s out!” Lillian called, pumping her fist.

Twig shook her head, smothering the still-burning flames with her paws. She wrinkled her snout. “His armor is toast. Where did the horse go?”

“He made it to the meadow, looks like,” Lillian said. She had an amazing view from her tower—she could see all the way to the nearest kingdom on a clear day.

“Let me grab it. One sec.” Twig unfurled her heavy wings and pushed off to glide toward the clearing just beyond the tree line. She picked up the startled horse with one paw and deposited the beast in the stables behind the moat.

“Sorry I roasted him. I should have held off on the fire, gotten my claws dirty first. You should check the horse,” she called. “Careful, this one is flighty.”

Lillian tromped down her tower’s steps and exited through the backdoor. No knight had ever been smart enough to look for a door, even the ones who made it all the way to the tower’s base before Twig fried them.

The horse was still panting and fidgeting nervously when Lillian made it to the stables, but it didn’t lash out at her. The saddlebags appeared to be intact, so Lillian flipped through their contents, not bothering to take them off the horse’s back. The Knight had brought a decent purse. He had a few gold coins and a handful of gemstones. He’d even been thoughtful enough to pack an engagement ring. Lillian smiled and slipped it onto her finger. It was a good one—perfect fit.

“It’s not much, but it’ll look good with the rest of the cache,” Lillian said, exiting the stables. She tossed the purse up to Twig, who caught it deftly.

“I’ve gotta stop using the smoke right out of the gate,” Twig complained, trying to open the purse with her claws. “It really ruins the whole game. He can’t see anything, I often mis-swipe and hit the horse—or worse, the loot.”

Lillian held out her hand and took the purse from Twig, helping tug free the drawstrings. “Yeah, plus I lose track of the battle,” she said. “It’s no fun for me when I don’t get to see you finish them off.”

Twig dumped the gold and stones into her paw. She huffed in disappointment. “It’s not great. We’ve done better. At least we can sell the horse.”

Lillian nodded, still admiring the ring on her finger.

“That’s lovely,” Twig said, noticing it for the first time. “He had taste.”

The two sat in silence for a moment, looking over their winnings. Twig shifted onto her stomach so that she could be eye-level with Lillian, adopting a more serious expression.

“Are you okay, dear? I noticed that your scream today was a little lacking. Not that I think it was bad—it’s just, you usually throw yourself into your work.”

Lillian shrugged. “I didn’t want to talk about this now, but…”

Twig scooted a bit closer, prompting her to go on.

“I’ll just say it.” Lillian took a deep breath. “I think it’s time for us to part ways. I need a knight, and you need a fresh damsel in distress, someone who’s new to the game. I’m just so tired of our act.”

Twig’s ears shot up in surprise. “You’re still young!” she said. “If this is about you aging, I can comfortably say you’ve got at least a decade of this left before the knights start to dwindle!”

“No, no, it’s just…” Lillian shook her head. “I’m so tired of screaming from a window and watching the world pass by me. I want a life! And I know what the next step is for girls like me.”

“You deserve it,” Twig said sadly. She sat back on her haunches and tossed aside the coins that she’d been clutching in her paw.

Lillian shifted uncomfortably. “I’ll find a good replacement damsel, and I’ll even stick around for a few months to train her, and—”

“No, no, dear me. You’ve put in your time,” Twig said, hushing her. “If you like, I’ll feign defeat for the very next knight that comes our way. I’ll even pull a few strings to make sure he’s one of the king’s own.”

Lillian smiled and patted Twig’s foot. “Really? That would be amazing. I’ve just waited so long for this.”

“You have. You deserve it,” Twig repeated.

***

The next week, a knight, gallant and brave, rode up to the castle with his flag flying high. He charged headfirst into Twig’s smoke and drove his lance through what he thought was her heart. Twig was so convincing in her death that Lillian nearly cried out.

“My fair lady,” he called. “The beast is dispatched, and you are free!”

She couldn’t help but grin as he scaled the tower wall and took her into his arms, helping her down his rope.

“I am Sir Arnold,” he said.

“And I am the luckiest woman alive,” Lillian replied, handing him her handkerchief.

He tucked the token in his breast pocket and helped her onto his horse. “Many have fallen here,” he noted. “It is truly a sign of good luck for us that I have survived.”

Lillian nodded, trying to ignore the hubris in his voice. She wrapped her arms around his torso as they trotted away, looking behind once to see Twig cast her a melancholy smile.

***

In true happy-ending fashion, Arnold proposed to Lillian, and they were married the morning after he “rescued” her. His engagement ring wasn’t nearly as big and shiny as a few she had come across over the years, but it was acceptably nice. The king himself came to the wedding to pat Arnold on the back and offer the couple a generous present.

Lillian was delighted to find that their house was large, with wait staff to spare. For the first time in her life, she sat in a rocking chair by the fire and read, while her husband rested nearby, strumming a lute. He also placed her in charge of household affairs, which filled her time.

“So dear,” she said one evening. She liked calling him ‘dear.’ The word felt good in her mouth. “When is your next quest?”

“Quest?” he asked, not quite paying attention. “Oh, uh, you are my greatest quest, dearest.”

She laughed kindly. “No, no, what mission has the king prepared for you? Will I accompany you on your next adventure?”

Arnold furrowed his brow and looked up from his lute. “Well, I mean, the king doesn’t expect to engage in any wars for a few more months. I might need to lead the troops off to battle when autumn arrives, but that’s not for a while, and I don’t expect you to come see that dreary business.”

Lillian put down her book. “But…what about slaying beasts? And crossing the desert for diplomatic reasons?”

Arnold smiled. “Oh, honey, don’t worry about any of that. Those tasks are for young, unmarried knights trying to earn their place.” He came to sit by her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. “I’m staying right here, safe and sound. We can focus on raising a family!”

“No…quests?”

“No quests.”

Lillian sat up, letting his arm drop. “You expect me to have children?”

Arnold blanched, taken aback by the question. “Isn’t that…isn’t that why we married?”

“Absolutely not!” Lillian cried, standing abruptly. Her voice was wavering. “I have so much to do and see! I can’t have children!” She stormed out of the great hall, leaving Arnold in a state of complete shock.

Up in her private quarters, Lillian paced furiously. She hadn’t signed up for any of this! No quests! No adventure! She heard low voices murmuring something outside her window and peered down.

“Newlywed women often have fits like this,” the head of the wait staff whispered below, patting Arnold on the shoulder. The two were standing in the garden, deep in conversation. “Don’t worry. Just give her some space. She’ll forget about it by morning.”

Arnold nodded and shook the man’s hand.

“I will certainly not,” Lillian whispered, running over to her desk.

She pulled out a pen and paper, scrawled a hasty note, and tied it up with ribbon. In her room, she kept a cage of lovely carrier pigeons, all white as snow. Arnold had gifted them to her on their wedding night, saying she’d never be cut off from the world ever again. It had been a lovey gesture. She hoped the birds were as fast as they were attractive.

Lillian tied her note to the pigeon’s wing and threw it out the window. The startled bird fluttered for a moment, then took off in what appeared to be the correct direction.

Exhausted and overwhelmed, Lillian collapsed into bed and slept.

***

The entire household awoke in the middle of the night to a crash on the roof. A deep-throated roar shook the house, but no flames lit up the hallway. Twig was smart enough not to light her damsel on fire.

Lillian leapt from her bed ran out into the hallway. Maids were screaming, and wait staff were fleeing from the attic.

“Dragon!” someone cried. “On the roof! Dragon!”

Arnold charged through the crowd, up the stairs toward Lillian, knowing she wouldn’t have made it that far out of her room. “Dearest,” he cried, reaching out his hand for her.

For a moment, Lillian wondered if he even knew her name. She turned her back on him and careened down the hall, up the attic ladder, and right into Twig’s left paw.

“You came!” she cried.

Twig gave a lopsided grin and picked her up, placing her between the spines on her back. “Hold on tight,” she said as she shifted her weight, snapping the mansion’s support beams.

The house crumpled beneath them, conveniently squishing Lillian’s boorish husband. Twig was about to take off, leaving the disaster for someone else to clean up, when Lillian stopped her.

"Wait! The treasury! Arnold’s gold is buried underneath the stables!”

Twig grinned and stomped over to the structure alongside the house. Grooms and horse handlers screamed and rushed away into the forest. Twig took hold of the sides of the barn and tore it up from the ground. Beneath the wreckage, glistening piles of gold and precious gems glinted up at them, bouncing the moonlight in savory beams.

“He’s rich!” Twig cried, scooping up handfuls of Arnold’s savings.

“You promised me a rich man!”

The two laughed in delight, and Twig flipped the barn’s roof upside down to create a convenient carrying tray. She scooped up gold by the handfuls, depositing it into the upturned roof. “You’re a star, Lillian!”

“And you’re a hero! Let’s get out of here!”

Twig was a strong flyer, but she dipped and struggled under the weight of their bounty. It took them all night to drag the gold back to their tower. By the time the sun peeked over the horizon, the two were dead on their feet with fatigue and joy. They settled down on the field outside the tower.

“Before we collapse,” Lillian said. “I have to tell you something.”

Twig nodded, holding her eyes open with her claws. “Anything.”

“I still don’t want to be your damsel in distress.”

Twig sighed and lay down on the grass, letting the tension evaporate from her body. “I get it. Arnold was an awful choice. I think I can find a bett—”

“No!” Lillian cried. “I also don’t want to marry a knight. Or a prince. Or anyone, really. I don’t want to be a damsel in distress, but I do want to be an adventurer.”

Twig tipped her head in curiosity.

“Listen, this is the largest amount of gold we’ve ever gotten in one job. We can keep this ball rolling!”

“I think I’m catching your drift,” Twig said, a sly smile spreading across her face.

“But it can’t be only cheating knights and rescuers,” Lillian said. “We’re going to have a lot of down time if our caches are this big. I want to travel. I want to see the world!”

Twig lifted her head, the sleep leaving her eyes. “I think that can be arranged.”

***

The next knight to show up at the tower wasn’t nearly as skilled as his predecessors. Twig could have gulped him down in one calculated bite, but she refrained, and even let him get in a good jab before collapsing with a convincing moan.

Lillian hid her snickers behind her hand as the knight scaled the wall and swept her off her feet. He looked rich—he’d brought two horses! As if the number of equine animals accompanying him would help his victory. He still had Lillian sit behind him on one horse.

As they trotted off toward their temporary happily ever after, Lillian turned around and gave Twig a thumbs up behind her back. The dragon grinned back and winked.