Pregnancy Day

I wish I was there to experience the day my mother found out she was pregnant with me. Why? Simply because I would love to know her reaction. What she was thinking when she took that pregnancy test? Was she happy? Was she angry? Did she really want to keep me? I want to know the truth about her feelings. I want to know her TRUE feelings. It seems there days she seems to care more about the others that came after me instead of my older brother and I. But he's 18 years old soon he will be off to college again. And once again I will be the outcast. I will be the problem child like always. I want answers to the questions I dare not ask because of the fear of the answer I will get. I seem to think more and more everyday that maybe I do not belong here. Maybe I will be happier somewhere else. I have this fantasy that on day someone will come and break me from the chains that are my mother. Though I love her dearly the truth is still unspoken and I'm starting to think maybe it's better that way.