To Run (One’s) Mouth

We don't realize how unaware we are of our words until after they've been spoken aloud. We buzz like bees daily, vomiting up phrases, statements, fragments, exclamations. Running our mouths like a leaky tap or a coat of paint laid on too thick. That's the word- run. So many meanings that we don't even realize we say it.

“Having a busy day there, eh, Parker?”

Parker chuckled at me, leaning back in his rolling chair at a dangerous angle. His desk cubicle was clear and he had a relaxed posture. He volleyed my sarcasm back to me with ease.

“Oh yeah, doing plenty of running around today.” He tensed up after he spoke, as if he had been hit with a rubber bullet from an invisible marksman. He looked at me and stammered out a hasty apology, to which I shook my head.

“It’s fine, Parker. I’m not no language police,” I replied, “Now find some work to do, eh?”

“Yes, for sure. Right away, er, sir.” Parker hunched towards his computer and began clicking away.

Everyone in the office was so careful around me now, I couldn’t stand it. Maybe if I had turned down that promotion all those months ago, things would be different. Who knows, maybe everything would be different. Maybe I could have taken a different route home on that chilly September evening. Maybe the world just runs on luck, and I’d be stuck in this position one way or another. Maybe, maybe, maybe. God knows if I ever had any luck to begin with, it ran out a while ago.

You’d think, the more time people spent around me, the more normal we could speak to each other.

“Morning, ladies,” I said as I entered the break room. It was almost noon, and before my secretary picked up my lunch I wanted to make a quick coffee run. Sure, I could've had her do this for me too, but it felt good to stretch my… well, stretch. I reached up for the pot and carefully refilled my mug.

“Morning,” the women replied in chorus. The three of them had just began lunch, and the youngest one, Amy, was telling everyone about a movie she’d watched recently. I’ve never really been much of a horror buff, but by the sounds of it, Amy sure was. Maybe I should try out some horror movies; God knows that action movies have run their course with me.

Before leaving the room with my topped up drink, I paused by their little table to inquire about this oh-so-scary film.

“Oh, it was so creepy,” said Amy, looking at me with wide eyes. “There was this one part, where the ghost was kind of moving in the background, and when I saw it a chill just ran down my spine,” she rambled on. Amy remained unaware of her words, but her coworkers strained their faces almost in synch, which would’ve been amusing to me if I wasn't internally deep-sighing. Here we go again.

Amy continued, “Don’t you-all just hate that feeling…” Here she stopped. She looked at me with those same wide eyes, but instead of her previous dramatized fear, she was looking at me with a mix of embarrassment and pity.

Wonderful.

“Oh, um, I’m sorry I wasn't thinking before I spoke, I-”

“We often don’t, do we?” I interrupted. Okay, I was feeling snippy. Not at her comment, but at everyone’s reaction. “Its no big deal,” I said, and smiled at the three women. They replied with watery smiles of their own and watched me leave the room slowly. I headed back to my little niche.

My office was your run-of-the-mill Big Boss office. It was swanky, oversized, and new. When first got the space a few months ago, I felt unworthy of such a room. It felt arrogant of me to use it, and I would’ve been just as glad to keep sitting at my old desk surrounded by those flimsy half-walls. Probably best I didn't have to anymore, though; the extra space came in handy now. That might be some type of irony, but I never pondered it that much. I sat, as I always do now, behind the heavy oak desk and sipped on my coffee, contemplating the day’s interactions.

My secretary, Quinn, was the only one I hadn’t yet had an awkward run-in with. I didn’t know if it was because she understood that it wasn't worth worrying about, or if she just lacked tact. Either way, I was perfectly content with it. In fact, I found her undauntedness absolutely refreshing.

“Here you go, boss.” Quinn walked through my open doorway and set a brown take-out bag on my desk.

“You are a blessing in my life, Quinn, this smells like heaven in a bag,” I exaggerated.

“I’m glad,” she smiled at me. “You know, you probably wouldn't be fawning over Chinese food every day if you ran on more than caffeine every morning.”

With that, she slid back to the front desk. That Quinn, always such a tease.

Soon, I thought, everyone will start acting like that again.

Not soon enough though, I knew.

The next morning, I found myself rolling out of the elevator at most convenient time. A woman was loudly chatting by her desk, located fairly close to the elevator. As I entered, the office chatter lapsed just enough for everyone to hear her speak. In fact, she was nearly yelling.

“...been running my head against the wall!”

Everyone in the office immediately fell into that awkward-pity-silence that was becoming far too familiar lately. They looked down at me, literally, because many of them were standing up. The woman looked at me and began speaking, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t-”

“Realize, yeah, yeah,” I interrupted. This had to stop.

“Listen, I know things have changed lately, but I need you all to stop with the censoring. It’s like when I got promoted and you all had to get used to that, so why is this so much harder? If you want to tell me that your nose is runny, or your running out of something, or even that you ran a 5k yesterday, I don't care!”

I threw my arms up. Everyone stayed silent, so I kept going.

“So what, I can't run? Hell, I can run, where it counts. I’m running a business here. Running a business without working legs. Ha! That should be my new slogan.”

There was an awkward chuckle, and when people realized I wasn't really mad, the tension in the room relaxed. Still, no one was speaking, until Quinn stood up from behind her counter.

“Well, this was entertaining, but I say that we all get back to work before we run this place into the ground!”

I smiled up at her from my chair, and she winked at me. Maybe I hadn't run out of luck after all.