WONDERLAND

Feeling lost has become a home to me. I’m used to not having a whole lot of company, but it’s my fault nobody’s here and for that I feel guilty, I’m as toxic as ricin, probably more deadly. I try really hard to get people to stay and when they leave I’ll say “It wasn’t meant to be anyway” but the truth is I’m starved for attention and affection, but the only thing that gives it to me is my old friend depression, correction, my anxiety also fuels the oppression, and I’m looking for something new to give me direction, but I don’t expect you to be the exception to my descension, the hatred will only continue conception but I’ll try not to push you out for my own protection. I don’t want the help or the constant pestering, I’m fine, I’ll get through it no matter the suffering and if you think this is bad it’s only the beginning, it won’t help if you’re lingering, I don’t need an awakening or to keep remembering I need you to understand me, which I know can be intimidating. Lately my life is a mess, equally is my bed, the people I’ve hurt won’t get out of my head, the static wants me to come with it to the end but every time I try it fills me with dread, I’m tired of seeing bloodshed and regret, I need you to fix me so I can forget because I’m tired of having intimacy with cigarettes because my head is too foggy, am I making any sense? I’ll keep trying really hard; that’s not much of a plan, but I really need somebody to hold my hand, not another relationship that’s a one-night stand, I don’t care if it’s love, a friend, or just someone as lonely as I am, I NEED HELP BEFORE I DESCEND INTO WONDERLAND. Alone on the edge is currently where I stand. I feel utterly directionless, but I do what I can.