Nature Calls
In other news, a middle-aged woman took a shit in Canyon Park this morning. I am that middle-aged woman.
It was my usual Friday ritual. Not the shit. Going for a run with my dog in the lovely swath of nature that is Canyon Park. I was about half a mile from my house when it hit. An intense, sweat inducing, sensation in the nether regions. I can usually use the mind-over-matter technique, but no amount of mental jiu-jitsu was helping me get past the urgency of the turtle head poking out.
This attack happened where I leave the neighborhood and head into the wilderness. It just so happens I know someone who lives right there. She is the kind of friend I connect with only when I bump into her. Not the kind of friend whose door I can knock on at 7am and then race into her bathroom to take a massive dump. I toyed with the idea of intruding on her morning when suddenly there was reprieve. That spectacularly sweet absence of pressure. I was saved! I could continue my run with the dog. Several minutes later surrounded by the silence of trees bathed in the golden glow of morning light I broke out into a cold sweat.
I ducked quickly down into a ravine. Trampling through the overgrowth I looked for a hidden spot with a bald patch to lower my butt. Time was against me so the reconnaissance was brief. I pulled down my shorts and released. The dog tilted her head and watched this oddly reversed scenario. As I looked at her I realized I could use one of the doggie poop bags to pick up my waste and dispose of it. It was a calming thought. That simple act would make this whole episode civilized. I used a leaf to wipe, stood up and pulled my shorts on. Gloriously empty. Overwhelmed with joy and love for a perfect universe. I had the poop bag in my hand and turned to pick up. Nope. I couldn’t do it. It was huge! Our dog is small so I had imagined a one-handed grab-and-go but this was most definitely not that. I just left it there. Feeling slightly guilty but marvelously light I continued running without a care in the world.