Shit My Mom Says

What's the difference between a mobile phone and a *long pause accompanied by a blank stare* the other phone?

Cell phones are new technology. (This was said in 2015.)

Can I get extra cinco de gallo on my burrito?

I don't have wi-five.

I think I'll save my battery from my droid as a backup for my new iPhone. You know...just in case.

After texting her to let her know my phone was in working order again, she asked me if I still had the same number.

When I was showing her how and that she needed to turn off her Bluetooth capability to save battery life on her new phone, her response was "I don't have blue tube on mine."

After my gallbladder surgery she wondered how much weight I'd lose now that I was short an organ. Yes mom, I've lost 2.5 ounces. Can you tell? No? Maybe if I turn this way?