Mind Race

I'm running from my feelings as fast as my mind will take me. My heart is screaming at me to slow down and engage but to engage feels way to scary, so I continue the sprint. Anxious thoughts run a mile a minute in my mind and cloud and fog my ability to think rationally so effectively that I am not sure what is truth and what is fiction at this point. Falling in love is just too terrifying, so my mind is working double time to tell me all the reasons it won't work out in a manic fashion. The divorce rate has my friends toppling like dominoes and I'm convinced I have secondary post traumatic stress disorder to the point of not knowing if love is real or a social construct we all trick ourselves into. I am running as fast as I can, I will paint green flags red in an attempt to drown out my heart's cry to be vulnerable. I will close my eyes and shut my mind and tell myself I am guarding my heart for to feel is dangerous and I am not a risk taker.

When I dream my mind has to relinquish its right to sabatoge and he is always there, we are always dating, and we are always faithful to one another. Even in the throes of temptation, I am dream level loyal to my man. And yet, when I awake I am back to swirling thoughts of fear and dread that it won't work out in the end, so why am I even putting the effort in to begin with?

If self sabatoge is the name of the game, I am winning, but I am running a race I don't want to finish. I glance over my proverbial shoulder in hopes that my heart is close behind, that it is closing ground and will overtake my mind. My mind is running, but I hope it comes in second.