I’m not okay

I sit in class gripping the edges of my desk. I’m okay I think, even though my racing heart is telling me otherwise. I try to focus but I can’t stop thinking about her hurt face. I can feel the terrible monster creeping up. Almost like it knows I’m in pain, almost like it enjoys it. She stands across from me tears streaking down her face, I wince as she says “why” a whisper that feels like a slap in my face.

The monster laughs and I can see the darkness it brings clouding my thoughts, “You’re the reason she’s in pain,” it says. My stomach clenches and the guilt rolls over me, slowly at first. I shake my head no but my attention lands once again on her. Someone I love, in pain because of me. I tried to explain it to her but she just kept moving away from me saying she didn’t understand. My head spins as I remember her looking at me, scared.

“But your so happy, how could you be depressed?” She had asked as I stood before her helpless. The monster beside me grows until I can feel it’s cold presence behind me, it feels scary, sad, and comfortable. It would be so easy to fall into its arms, at least then her face would go away.

It speaks right by my ear, “Tell her you’re just being dramatic. That you are fine.” Before I can open my mouth to tell her my friend smiles wanly at me, I remember how her smile didn’t reach her eyes.

“You’ll be fine though, right? Everything will be okay.” My friend disappears and I’m stuck all alone with the darkness.

“Nothing will be okay,” it says. All I can hear is her voice, the tears that fell slowly as she closed the door of her house. Shutting me out. It’s not the same anymore, the way she looks at me. She is worried about me, but she shouldn’t have to be.

“This is all your fault, if you weren’t so broken she would be okay. You hurt her because you’re selfish. Stupid and selfish.” The monster’s voice is louder now, echoing in my head as I clap my hands over my ears.

“no...no...go away...leave me alone.” My voice gets louder and louder until I’m yelling trying to drown out it’s voice. My own voice, because suddenly I can’t tell the difference anymoer all I hear is selfish ringing in my head and the tears streaming down my face as the monster envelopes me in darkness and everything around me disappears as I fall down the pit of black. The pain in my gut is unbearable as it spreads throughout my whole body, it hurts so much as wave after wave of guilt, fear, despair, and regret threatens to tear me apart. I want it to go away. I would do anything if it would just. go. away. The words start up again but it’s me saying them because I’m a monster, I hurt everyone because I’m too weak to handle it, because I’m so so selfish. Now she’s hurting and it’s all my fault. I’m nothing, I’m worthless, a failure, ugly, fat, a mistake, disgusting, no one loves me, no one cares about me. My hands are shaking as my head swims. I feel the pain breaking me apart and hear the monster roar in pleasure, I open my mouth to scream, to yell at everything. But no sound comes out. I want to get up, to run, to hide, but I can’t move. So I stay where I am, sobbing. My thoughts spiraling, trapped and drowning held in a cage of my own thoughts. Then something shakes me back and forth. A voice breaking through the dark pulling me out of my cage.

“Hey! Are you okay?” My teacher stands wide-eyed. A worried expression on his face. I look around, my mind still spinning. No one is in the classroom anymore and I can hear noise out in the hallway. Shaking my head as my feelings settle into the normal emptiness I’m used to I stand up. Brushing past my teacher with my stuff I head to the door.

Looking back I say, “I’m fine.” A smile plastered on my splotchy tear stained face. I wanted to yell, to scream, to say “I’m not okay please help me. I don’t know what’s happening!” Inside I am crying, broken, hurting so much that I’m slowly falling apart. But I just say “I’m fine.”

And everyone believes me.