Running

“You’re not alone,” she said and walked away. She couldn’t stop, she looked back, said something else but had to keep walking. If she stopped she would reach for him again. She would keep it to a walk and not start running as she had the urge to. She had always run away. It was so much easier to run before getting pushed away.

She got in the car and started it. Flipped through the music until she found something that fit her mood. And they hit. She couldn’t stop the wetness streaking down her cheeks, actually worried briefly that she may not be able to stop them again. A minute later she looked over and realized he hadn’t left yet. Quickly, she looked away. She could only see the top of his truck but she wouldn’t take a chance. She wiped away the tears and pulled out of the parking lot. It did hit her as she waved driving past him, it would have been easier to turn the other way to leave but then she wouldn’t have gotten that last glimpse.

As she continued down the road, she took the long way home to think before she had to slide back into the role, more and more, she felt like she was just playing. She had been reminded the night before of some of the feelings for Mike she hadn’t felt in several months. Every step she took just brought up more questions. It had felt that way the last couple of months already but the last couple of weeks were even worse. So many other questions she preferred to keep buried, neatly tucked away to keep everything calm and normal even when she felt like she was dying inside. On some level she knew Mike felt it too but neither seemed to do anything to change it much less recognize it.

Chase. Chase was the one person that could always bring up a sea of memories and regrets. He was the one person that always knocked her on her ass every time she had contact, no matter how many years had passed in between. The only person that made her think twice. She wanted to remain a friend. She didn’t have nearly enough around these days and she kept pushing away the one that hadn’t completely abandoned her. There was no point in blowing up her whole world right now anyway.

She knew Chase still wasn’t over his last heartbreak. While he pined away trying to figure things out she had the same feelings, asked the same questions, about him. There was so much history between them, ancient history really although it didn’t feel that way to her right now. She wondered if the feelings she had only continued because of all of her firsts with him. Was she really still in love with him after all this time? Did she just imagine the spark that had always seemed inevitable between them. Maybe she read too much into some of the things he said. He had always been such a smooth talker, that is what made her go back to get trampled again and again in the first place.

About halfway home she thought back to the last time she had seen him. It had been 18 years almost exactly. Her oldest had just been born, things were rocky with his dad and she was still trying to hold on to him in the worst ways. Chase didn’t remember that meeting but she did. She had been told he was working in that pizza place and intentionally went in there to “run” into him. Somehow she was always drawn to him like a magnet. She had invited him over and things inevitably moved to fooling around. Afterwards, he didn’t stay in touch. She shouldn’t have been surprised. She told herself it wasn’t what she remembered it being. She told herself she had romanticized things and the feelings weren’t what she thought, the spark wasn’t there.

Now 18 years later she found herself wondering if that was really the case or if it was just what she told herself to move on, get past the heartache once again. It would have been so easy to step in, to look up for that kiss when he hugged her. To see if there was something still there or if she just imagined it. In some ways she goes back and forth, convincing herself it would be the best thing, to go ahead and explore that. On the other hand she realized if she did and it was still there she would agonize over what to do next. She can’t change things and he isn’t ready to move on. She can’t destroy her world on an impulse of getting back something that may have never been.

But what if it was, what if it still is...She felt as if a demon had been woken. She needed to know but couldn’t bring herself to take steps to find out. Even if she did right now, he was too vulnerable. Too lost and broken. If she was honest with herself, so was she. She couldn’t give him lectures about getting himself together before moving forward and then expect to become another obstacle without there being some push back, some circumstances that would end in catastrophe yet again.

She needed to run again. That instinct to push everyone away and keep going kicked up again. Maybe she needed to hit the pavement again. Strike each thought out of her mind just as her feet alternated slapping the ground. She would move her addiction to getting healthy, that would at least be productive since the last addiction added some fluff to her short stature.

Arriving home those thoughts kept running through her head. Constantly throwing up questions and scenarios. Each different and from one extreme to another. She warred inside her mind and then felt guilty over and over for where her thoughts let. Mike was good to her, tried to take care of her. But they were such polar opposites. That had hit home even more as she sat with Chase’s kids, watched him with them. Held them in her arms and wished once again things were different. He didn’t notice the change, the quick move to take his daughter to the restroom, using it for a distraction from her own thoughts. How her heart ached that she would never do these things again with her own children. Knowing she would step into that role again and again if asked but also knowing Mike would never agree to it. Just one of the things that kept the huge divide between them.

Mike blamed it on her job but she realized lately that they looked at things completely differently. The job was her, she couldn’t distance herself, she couldn’t let them just be clients. That was part of what made her good at her job and she was good at it. Since she felt like she was in a place where she couldn’t do anything right at home, for Mike or the kids, she had to continue the work to make it okay for the few she could make a difference with. The problem was more and more she felt like she couldn’t make a difference anywhere.

Hours later she grew tired of the thoughts paleging her addled brain and decided to hit the pavement to test her theory. Of course, that was when he sent the text. Checking in, checking on her, maybe he did notice the change, realized she was fighting the demon that made her question everything again…

She ran, blocked everything else out. Pushed when her lungs wanted to explode. Sent him responses when she was in the walking stages but those she kept light. As long as she was running she concentrated on the next step, the next breath, the next stride. As she slowed back down the thoughts returned yet again. Her heart jumped a few times. He wanted to spend more time with her. She wanted him to move forward. To see what potential was there if you quit following your same habits. To really mean what he said and not use it as a tactic to get into bed for once.

Hours later she sat in her bed once again examining each thought, each feeling, questioning it all yet again. She would be a friend. She would be a friend and she would run. She would run to push all else out of her head. She would build the strength, the stamina, the distance. She would build herself back up. She would find her confidence again and maybe, one day, they would find themselves on the same street, perfectly in stride, pushing for the next breath, the next step.