Choice to Run Out

Elira sat staring at the steering wheel, trying to control her uneven breathing. Her shaking hands felt clammy and she couldn’t seem to calm her heart rate. Why’d he have to do that? The car started to cave in around her, compressing the space until the air was unbreathable. Elira clawed at the door unseeingly, shoving it open and tumbling on to the ground in her desperate attempt to free herself from the shrinking space.

The gas station pavement scraped her knees and hands but she stayed in that position, pressing one finger harder into the ground at a time, noting how each felt in detail. It was a grounding technique, one to try and divert her mind from the panicked spiral it was on. It wasn’t working though, because as she looked at her hands, she could see the ghost of a diamond ring choking the finger next to her left pinky. She tried to blink the hallucination away but every time her eyes closed, all she could see was him down on one knee, on lookers joyously filming on their phones. Elira sat back and leaned against the car, looking out at the highway.

“Why’d he have to do that?” It had started as a normal date, not particularly unique to any other date they had been on in the past seven years. Which wasn’t to say that their dates weren’t interesting or fun, it was just that there had been nothing to indicate his intention. They had gone to explore an allegedly haunted house, went out for food and then gone to a park to walk around. The meal wasn’t exceptionally nice or expensive. The park wasn’t exceptionally beautiful. They had all been pleasant, but nothing that would have led her to believe he was going to try anything unusual. Like proposing.

His face had crumpled when she had abruptly turned on her heel and took off running. She had seen it in her peripheral vision and his expression stabbed through her repeatedly.

“Why’d you have to do that? I love you. I love you so much,” she muttered, gently banging her head against the car door. “So why’d you have to try to push me into a promise I can’t keep?”

That was the heart of her problem. Marriage was a promise she couldn’t keep. She was uncomfortable and scared of it’s permanence. There was no exit in marriage, no where to run. Elira had been with him for seven years, and as far as she was concerned, she wanted it to stay that way.

However, above anything else, she valued her freedom. She loved her right to choose her life and exercised it in every opportunity she had. She never missed a chance to vote. In college she never declared a major, taking any classes that caught her interest. The longest she had stayed in one job was four years, most of the time leaving after one or two years. Her work was never bad, she just decided that if she felt the need for a change, she would act on it.

Despite this, Elira wasn't flighty. While she valued her freedom, her right to choose, and had a craving for adventure, those traits never stopped her from staying in one place, at one job, or with one person. So long as she felt she had the ability to pick up and run away, she was satisfied. She didn't need to act on it but it gave her peace of mind to know that there was always an exit.

His expression flashed through her mind again, piercing every vital organ. With a wave of pain, she banged her head against the car door one last time.

"Idiot...I can't just leave him like that," she murmured softly, eyes clenched shut as his face swam hazily in her mind’s eye. Pulling herself up and into the car, she tried to mentally prepare herself for what she was going to say to him.

He was sitting in the spot she had run from, staring blankly at the ring he had tried and failed to give her. She sighed and approached slowly, as if he were a frightened animal. Stopping when she stood in front of him, she waited for him to acknowledge her first. It didn't take long.

"You really are a sadist, you know that? Why'd you bother coming back?" His voice was quiet but there was a biting hard edge in it.

"You deserve better than being left behind like that. At the very least, I owe you an explanation."

"I don't want to hear a list of reasons why I'm not good enough for you, Eli."

"You're not going to hear one." She took the ring from his hand, examining it pensively. Even just holding it, she could feel the weight shackling her place, robbing her of the choice to run. She took a deep breath, trying to force herself to be calm.

"We've been together for seven years," she began, "and as far as I'm concerned, right now, in this moment, I want to be with you forever."

"Then what's the problem?"

"The problem is that that's right now. People and feelings change. I can't promise that I'll feel that way forever and I don't want to make a promise I can't keep."

"We're already staying together for so long, what difference does it make whether I call you my girlfriend or my wife?"

"The difference is one of those has an exit and the other doesn't."

"They both have exits. There's always divorce."

"A divorce is a long messy life changing process. It's easier to breakup than to get divorced."

"But it is an exit th--"

"Are you really trying to argue that because I could always divorce you, marrying you is ok," She snapped, frustrated at his lack of understanding. With a deep breath, she again turned her attention to the ring in her hand.

"No one should enter into a marriage saying 'it's ok, I can always get divorced.' That's not fair to the other person. The point of a marriage is that it's permanent until it really can't be anymore. There isn't an expectation of permanence in a relationship. There's an understanding that either person could back out," she said, placing the ring in it's box and closing the lid with a snap.

"So you're saying you see a future where we're not together anymore?" His voice had gotten quiet again, seeped in hurt, anger, and frustration.

"No I don't. But it is a possibility so isn't it better to leave room for it?" She watched one of his hands clench into a fist at his side while the other reached out and took the ring box from her.

"Why? Why do you always need an escape route for everything?"

"For peace of mind. It's too claustrophobic and suffocating if there isn't one. Isn't it enough that I love you? Why can't we just be happy together knowing that?"

"No! It's not enough cause I never know when that's going to change. This," he waved the ring box in front of her, "this is my peace of mind. This tells me that I'm not going to wake up in the morning and you'll be gone. This tells me that you're not going to just take off running somewhere!"

"Just because I wear that doesn't mean that my feelings don't change! Or yours either for that matter!"

They were both yelling, tears blurring their vision. He took a deep breath and she saw the anger melt away leaving only pleading desperation.

"Please, Eli. I love you so much. Can't you just promise me that you'll stay with me? Please."

The way he was looking at her rendered her incapable of speech. The tears were burning her eyes. She loved him and wanted to be with him forever. She felt herself almost begin to say so.

"I--" but she knew there was no such thing.

"I--" and she never made promises she couldn't keep. Yet, there he stood with his pleading eyes and as she looked at them, she second guessed herself. Maybe she could keep this promise. The weight of the words she considered saying wrapped heavily around her wrists and ankles, chaining her in place.

"I pr--" the world closed in around her, pushing against her so she couldn't breathe. Her exit route was shrinking and the fear she felt seeing that made her choke on her words. She couldn't trap herself in that shrinking space with no exits.

Elira took off running, leaving him behind in a trail of tears, uneven breathing and unfinished promises.