Just A Thought

In the behavioral aspect, I am Cinderella’s glass slipper so to speak: social isolation, disorganized behavior, excitability, aggression, agitation, compulsive behavior, hostility, repetitive movements, and lack of restraint. Cognitively speaking: thought disorder, belief that an ordinary event has special and personal meaning, slowness in activity, or false belief of superiority. In terms of mood: anger, anxiety, apathy (lack of feeling or emotion), feeling detached from self, general discontent, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, elevated mood, or inappropriate emotional response. Speech: circumstantial speech, incoherent speech, rapid and frenzied speaking, or speech disorder. All of these symptoms describe to a “T” exactly what I’ve been enduring the past two and a half years. Not so much unforeseen, because if I would have known the exact symptoms I could have possibly caught on a lot earlier. My trigger was the devastating loss of my childhood home. Then came the loss of my first love, and finally my loss in humanity (including myself). There it turned into an dependence on drugs in order to detach myself from reality. I then came to realize I was losing myself, so I tried to turn to college as my savior. Which, unfortunately proved that the damage was already done. It showed that I had completely disconnected myself with reality, and even though I tried as hard as I could to assimilate back into society it was too late. I tried to blame my drug addiction, and my family for what was happening when in all reality I was just lost in a delusion. I had been trying to figure out what was wrong with me this whole time, convincing myself that it was all of these other problems that had nothing to do with me. Essentially, casting the blame on all of the people that were around me and only trying to help. Realistically, it was a whole life’s worth of stimuli. My delusion was that all of my hardships were because I was meant for a greater purpose, really they were just a catalyst for a de-habilitating mental disease that is hereditary. Something that was probably inevitable with time, but was jumpstarted by a whole bunch of situations that I had no control over. I was a kid! Statistically at a loss from the very beginning. No matter what kind of outlook I had, no matter what choices I would have made to better myself. This genetic Trojan horse called schizophrenia would eventually have found a way to creep in and destroy everything I would’ve potentially done. Be it by becoming a better person through sports, education, family, religion, or whichever activities I would have done to put all of my problems behind me. No matter the scenario, the outcome will always end with schizophrenia! The timing, honestly, could not have been more satirically perfect. I finally had this epiphany detailing what life was about, well actually I was just finally giving into to the thoughts I had been keeping to myself, and beginning to express them on to others. Which was not a epiphany, was not a sudden understanding of life, was not a moment of divination, and was definitely not a turning point; it was a psychosis. I thought that I had figured out how to escape this reality which was just some sort of test to better myself, when I had really taken a long leap toward tragedy. Immediately waking from a dream, that felt like an entire life spent in someone else’s shoes, only to be in the same place the dream started forty-five minutes ago. Still, how do I manage to have such vivid memories of this version of myself‘s life?