Presently Absent

My vision tumbles

As I fall to the side.

Head hits the pillow

Veil of hair hides my eyes.

Somewhere to the side

Muffled music lightly plays

I’d pause it for silence

If only my arm would raise.

But my body is frozen

As tears stream down my face.

I cannot search for nowhere

Near is a single ounce of strength.

And taunting me

From the far reaches of the room,

Is a soul so sickeningly lost,

Hollow, it wanders,

Entrapped in this tomb.

It’s torturous cry

Is screaming to me

“Hunt down the stray,

It’s not hard to see.”

Do you understand?

Have you seen what I’m missing?

The search still continues

While I am stuck wishing.

It’s not just an empty quest,

A mocking spirit’s mission

There’s a plea of insanity

If only I might listen.

But my brain still protests,

So eager in dismissal.

Waving away in denial.

Because I’m what is hidden.

I used to be someone.

At least I think that I was.

I think I was there,

In everything that I loved.

Like the quotes on my wall

Or the books that I had.

I think that was me,

But I don’t understand.

That messy blue paint,

And those colorful stickers,

Trophies and art projects

And walls full of pictures.

I know that was me.

So where the hell have I gone?

What part of me’s left?

Or is all of that lost?

My smile is bleak and fading.

My eyes are lifeless voids.

There’s an empty pit

Where my stomach was

And my veins are dark and barren roads.

Jagged stubs replaced my nails.

I can barely lift an arm.

Sparkling shadows

Cloud my view

When I stand and fall to harm.

Such an absent weight,

Where my heart used to be.

That missing ring on my finger,

Now a misplaced part of me.

So, who am I now?

Am I the pain in my head?

From the ribbons of stress

And every bead that I’ve bled?

Am I the tears on my face,

The ones to silently fall?

Am I the constant screaming in my head,

While my gaze is fixed to the wall?

Am I the dark circles

Deep set under my eyes?

Or am I the bile at the back of my throat

Forged of dread and lies?

Am I a poet at all?

Do these words have a meaning?

Is all of this torture

From a malevolent demon?

Because I want to cry,

But the tears aren’t there.

And I long to scream

Past my vacant stare.

There are words in my mind.

Yet they died in my throat.

I know how to swim

But I can’t stay afloat.

And now I’m stuck in space

Shrieking to no avail.

There’s a husk in my place,

Where I used to be

And I’m suffocating without air.

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