:/

It is now 11:30 on a Thursday night. I was supposed to go to bed at 11 but my creative juices are flowing like adrenaline on a rollercoaster. Unfortunately this particular adrenaline rush is full of angry and insecure energy.

I’m stuck contemplating whether or not I’m legitimately going to die alone. Love and relationships are, for some inexplicable reason, so hard for adolescent teen boys. Like grow the fuck up please and love me for me, not my 5/10 body figure. Because of such insecurities, I’ve grown to always believe that I won’t be able to find a decent guy and that all guys only want to stick it in and dip. I mean fuck, there’s nothing wrong with a sexual upringing, but these guys are just so obsessed with sticking their average sized penises into any hole they can get their grimey hands on. That, or the guys who stay virgins and still expect girls to do everything else they possibly can bringing pleasure to them. (and sometimes the other person if they’re generous)

Yes, it has been proven to me that guys are disgustingly infatuated with their genitals. Comparing sizes, making jokes, sending pictures, whiping it out randomly, naming it and whatever else men do with it. Don’t get me wrong being confident is great and all, respect and love your bodies I’m all for that. Just don’t share it with the world...

I stray from anything sexual at this point. I keep to myself about desires and daydreams because lets be honest, I’m made up of stress and anxious habits and I’ll most likely chicken out unless it’s a special case. (for example, taking that step in a serious relationship) I can’t just have a casual hook-up because those have no meaning. I need meaning. I need reassurance that its special and no random hook-up is going to include that. I don’t want meaningless anything. What I long for is love, companionship, commitment, and whatever comes with that. I want to be wanted...just not in the way these guys want me. It honestly is super hard trying to love who I am. I’m too tall, have no curves whatsoever, my face is okay, my personality is crazy, my anxiety controls me more than I control it, and it’s hard for me to trust anyone including myself. I try so hard to act how people want me to act and I try to change just so people accept me and it just makes me look stupid and/or I get myself into a situation I can’t just unadd off snapchat or block from my phone. It’s real life shit that I think I’m ready for but in reality I’m no where near ready for. But honestly...is anyone ever ready?