310 Days

346 days ago, I met a boy.

346 days ago, we ate ice cream together.

Mint chip, even though he didn’t like it.

and party city, where he bought me a stuffed owl.

we named it together.

I took it home and told my best friend about him.

About Dr. who... about when he took my hand... when he put his arm around me to move me away from traffic.

About the moment I spread my arms in the sun, and he called me a “Goddess” and I caught him staring at me a few times.

326 days ago, he sang to me. He knew all the words and it impressed me.

we talked about our past, our pain

We bought coloring books and colored pencils and we spent hours coloring with an earbud in each ear, showing each other our favorite music.

We cozied up in a coffee shop and he put his arm around me, I put my head on his shoulder for the first time.

He finally worked up the nerve to kiss me for the first time.

I went home and I told my best friend about how he told me he’d never kissed anyone before.

about how we both giggled before it happened.

How he surprised me with asking to kiss me before he did, and it impressed me.

I told her I couldn’t have written a better love story.

310 days ago, I took him to my favorite coffee shop.

He bought me my favorite coffee.

at his place, I drew a line.

I said no.

310 he didn’t listen.

310 days ago, I went home and told my friend about it.

About how unsure I was about it

about how excited I was for my future with him.

I never told her I said no.

In the following few weeks, he was easy to avoid. I had two jobs, he was in the army, and he had to travel a bit. I cried because I thought I was asexual. What happened was normal. It was what happened at the beginning of relationships, but I hated it. Something had to be wrong with me.

I only saw him one more time. We had what I thought was my dream date. Breakfast, a book store, a movie. The food was good, the book store was perfect, the movie was amazing.

I flinched when he put his arm around me.

I cringed when he told me he loved me.

I didn’t let him kiss me.

And when I went home that night, I told my best friend about it.

“I mean, it sounds like you’re scared of him... did anything happen?”

I start to cry. I couldn’t ignore that it’d happened anymore, and I felt crazy.

My therapist later called it rape. I’m a virgin, so I’m struggling with this. How can I both be a victim and a virgin? How can he be both a boyfriend and an abuser?

310 days ago, I could have cancelled. I could have said no and pushed him off and had a conversation about boundaries... but 310 days ago, I froze. I froze, and it ruined the story.

And that’s it.