What’s One More Reason?

Tick tock goes the clock and yet I struggle to keep my eye lids closed. I find that I am burrowed in for the night with the cat sleeping on my feet refusing to give an inch as I try to stretch my legs, while the dog takes up residence on the other half of the bed.

I find that the smallest sound penetrates the darkness making my eyes fly open thinking of all the lost spirits that could have died in the house and they are now happily haunting every nook and cranny.

I find that even though the dog is making up for the empty space, my heart is still beating heavily for the one that got away…it still doesn’t feel right as the canyon grows wider and deeper.

Then there are the holidays that are looming around the corner unsure why we must put on airs even for a moment, but knowing it’s expected. We haven’t spoken too much over the years but as the holidays approach this is something that must be done. Why do some of us only get together on holidays? Doesn’t family matter year-round?

Finding that my soul is unrested as the rest of my body, it tosses and turns as it views my inner thoughts. How disappointing I must be to some. How inspiring I must be to others…yet why is there doubt in my my mind and unrest in my soul. Yes, tossing and turning must help, for the moment. What can I do to feed it? Why is it so uncomfortable to be myself?

Lastly…what I am doing with my life. Yes, I have a job, friends and family…is this enough? Why can't I be good enough, who I am trying to impress? Surely, it’s not myself that I am trying to impress. I would be fine in my own skin…had society allowed it.

How do I fight through the loneliness, sadness and inadequacy of society…and my life?

Mostly, how I do I fall asleep and sleep like I did when I was a child?

…and wake up with a smile on my face…for no reason?