By Your Side

I was beginning to fade, but she was beginning to forget. And I don’t know how I didn’t know, after so many years of me and her.

When I first looked up, she was there. I never remembered anything else, and now, my already foggy memories seem like fantasy, which of course, I suppose I am. She never realized, and maybe she never will, that I was only here for her, and for her I’d die a thousand more deaths.

Of course this wasn’t my initial intention, but not knowing, I didn’t understand this whole thing. I know better now, and how could I not? I’m almost gone completely, the only thing left of me being her memory, leaving a cold numbness left for me.

She started getting better, the august before last, when she started seeking counselling. I never went with her, but even as her sessions went on, I felt numb. Empty. Lonely. She didn’t notice how I seemed to be drifting, from her, from myself, from anything really. She just started asking more commonly, where I was, where I went, but she never could ask me myself, for reasons I didn’t know then.

It wasn’t until a little while later, when I realized my transparency. And I don’t mean metaphorically. I mean I could literally see through my hands. After that, pieces of me began to literally begin fading away, and yet I was always stuck by her. Something that broke my heart, over and over again, but I guess that’s when I realized it. She’d always been my best friend, and I thought I was hers. But I was never her best friend.

I was her imaginary friend.

I guess it’s some kind of distorted fate.

I’ll fade into nothingness. I’ll be literally nothing, just empty black space. But I’ll still be sentient in a sense; I’ll remember everything, even though she’ll have forgotten. I don’t understand how that could work, but I guess I never really understood any of this. And it won’t be really remembering, because I suppose I won’t have memories. No. Instead I’ll wander, drifting to and fro each foggy memory. Drowning in the fantasy, that maybe I’d get to see her again.