I’m Going Home

It’s late at night, Christmas eve. The sky is so clear and stark, you can see every tiny, little shining star, glimmering in the deep navy zenith. I breathe in the air, my lungs seizing slightly at the sheer cold. It’s beautiful.

We’re driving down to my family home. The presents have been loaded into the trunk, and the kids are bundled up and strapped in, almost ready to fall asleep.

This christmas is extra special; it’s the first christmas in almost ten years that we’re all going to be together. I feel like a child again, filled with anticipation, letting a small excited yelp escape my mouth every now and then.

The kids are worried that Santa won’t be able to find them. Charlie reasures them that Father Christmas knows where all the good children are, and they won’t be forgotten.

The exchange makes me smile a nostalgic grin, as I remember a similar moment from my childhood.

We do our final checks, and clamber in to the car, a flask of hot chocolate in hand.

I’ve hung mistletoe on the rear-view mirror, and lean in to kiss Charlie. He smiles, gives me a wink, reciprocating my kiss.

The car engine starts, I turn the heat up full blast, rubbing my hands on my legs furiously to heat up. The radio launches into action, full volume, making us all jump and laugh. I lower the volume, and ‘driving home for christmas’ starts playing. I gently sing along, thinking of how many other people are doing the same thing we’re doing right now.

I must fall asleep at some point, I could feel my eyelids closing earlier, so I must have succumbed. The girls are fast asleep. I ask charlie if he wants me to takeover driving for awhile, but being the gentleman that he is, he declines.

I pour us some hot chocolate, and add a little extra sprinkle from my secret stash of sprinkles I carry around in my bag. Placing my hand on charlie’s leg, I lean back and enjoy this feeling; this moment in time, where I couldn’t be anymore content.

I look in the wing mirror, and in the distance see some bright lights heading up behind us. I don’t think anything of it. My vision starts to wobble.

I think I might be feeling sleepy again. Then I realise, it’s not my eyes, but the lights which are wobbling.

They’re getting bigger, quite rapidly now. I ask charlie to slow down abit, he’s aware of the lights too. We realise it’s a lorry, and they appear to be losing control.

I’m getting scared now, as this great ominous truck is vearing and swerving, gaining on us. I want to pull over. Please Charlie, I almost beg. He says we’ll be fine, but seeing the panic on my face, pulls over. I grip harder on charlies leg, unsure of what we’re supposed to do. It’s in full view now, I can see just how big this lorry is.

I want to wake the kids up, get us all out of the car, but you’re not supposed to do that on a motorway. I’m panicing, my heart is racing, and the lovely warm feeling has left my belly, and I’m left with a sinking anxiety in my heart.

I scream, Charlie screams. What are we supposed to do!?

It comes crashing into us, launching us down the tarmac. We capsize, spinning round and round, as the lorry continues to career down the road.

I’m frozen in this moment. Everything has appeared to slow down. I’m so aware of everything that’s happening right now, but unable to do anything about it. I have no control. My head swings back and hits the dashboard, knocking me out.

I come to, and everything is silent. My head is pumping, I’m upside down.

My vision really is wobbling this time. I fumble around in the dark, calling for charlie and the girls. Nobody answers. I try to find my phone, or a light, anything to try and make sense of what is happening. We need help.

I can hear sirens now, and the darkness of the car is briefly lit up with flashes of blue.

Everytime the siren turns, I get another horrific glimpse of the inside of the car.

I’m sobbing, heart wrenching cries, knowing all I can do is wait.

People have arrived, but I can no longer hear anything going on around me.

I’m passing out again. I let the moment wash over me, I just can’t deal with this right now.

I awake, unsure of where i am, unsure if this was just all some horrible dream.

It’s not.

I’m in the hospital, my door is closed and I can hear the goings on outide my room.

‘Driving home for christmas’ is playing from the radio beside me.

I toss my legs over the side of the bed, trying to stand, my legs give way and I fall to the ground. I pull myself to the door, and start banging. A nurse rushes in, and calls for help. They tell me I need to get back into bed. They scoop me up, I’m sobbing again. Begging for information about my family.

They soothe me, and lay me down.

I can see the struggle in the sweet nurses face, as she tells me that I am the only survivor.

My family is gone, but my extended family has been told and are on their way.

It’s like somebody has stuck a dagger in my stomach, I can feel the sharp pierce and I’m winded, gasping for air. My brain complelty fails and I disconnect from the world around me.

All I can do is think. I think of all the happy memories, of all the moments I will never experiance again. I can’t deal with this. I make a choice.

I write a note to my parents, and the rest of my family.

It’s getting dark again, Christmas day is drawing to a close. I slip out of my room and wander up to the very top of the hospital, climbing weakly up the steps to the roof.

The sky is so clear and stark, you can see every tiny, little shining star, glimmering in the deep navy zenith. I breathe in the air, my lungs seizing slightly at the sheer cold. It’s beautiful.

I fill myself up, with my final gasps of air. Clambering up to the ledge, I turn around, and let myself fall.

I’m flying, my life flashing before my eyes. I’m so happy I get to see it all one more time.

And then, it’s all over.

I’m going home.