A Day in the Psych Ward

11 p.m.

You are checked into the hospital. The nurses search you as well as your belongings- you cannot have any strings, blades, sharp objects or medication.

You say a tearful goodbye to your parents. You cannot tell if they are relieved, scared, or disappointed.

12 a.m.

You strip off your clothes in front of the nurses. They check your naked body for cuts.

You are given a cot to sleep on in the middle of the hallway (you foolishly said you did not trust yourself to be safe if you were alone) in order to ensure your safety. The nurses add your name to the whiteboard, along with an S. Suicidal. You cry yourself to sleep.

8:17 a.m.

You are woken by noises in the hallway. Other kids are awake, sitting in their rooms and yelling at the nurses. You learn the rules. You learn that you are not supposed to leave your room until 8:30. You learn that you must always raise your hand. You learn that you must sit with persons of the same sex. You have to pee, but you are too terrified to raise your hand. You learn to be quiet.

9:00 a.m.

Breakfast arrives in a silver cart. You watch it roll away and leave, and you fight the urge to go with it. You stand up to go eat, but are told to sit down. You are given the reminder- you must raise your hand if you need to get up.

You eat alone that morning.

9:10 a.m.

You get in line for your pills. The nurse hands them to you and watches you swallow. You open your mouth so she can make sure they're gone.

9:45 a.m.

Group begins. You are one of the two new patients in the ward. Taking turns, you go over your names, why you are here, and your goal for the day. You meet the other kids. Serenity. Emma. Ben. You realize you might possibly be the sanest person there.

11:30 p.m.

"On a scale of one to ten, how suicidal do you feel right now?" You answer the nurse honestly. Eight. He does not sympathize with you when you go over your situation. He does not even look you in the eyes. You dub him an asshole.

12:00 p.m.

Lunchtime. You wait patiently in your seat until they call your name for you to come get your food. You have learned. You sit with two other girls. You share your stories.

You feel a little less lonely.

1:00 p.m.

Group is back in session. You play some games to help you learn coping skills. You smile once or twice.

3:00 p.m.

Snack time. You get in trouble for being in the kitchen with another patient at the same time. It's not like you were doing anything. You just forgot. They don't care.

5:00 p.m.

Dinner awaits you. You eat the shitty food as if it is your last meal. You sit with the other female patients. The one in a wheelchair (she faints from anxiety when she stands) makes you laugh. It almost feels like you are not in a hospital.

6:00 p.m.

Another daily check of your suicidal ideations. On a scale of one to ten, you are a four.

6:03 p.m.

You are late to group, but it is a movie night. You watch Rudy and take notes on coping skills Rudy used to deal with rejection. You think it is bullshit, but you are too scared to say so.

8:30 p.m.

Free time. You chat with the two girls you have come to know as your personal saviors from hell. You learn tomorrow is a visiting day. Panic begins to flow through your veins. You do not want to see your family. You do not want to break down again.

9:00 p.m.

You go to bed. Tonight, you have been granted a room to sleep in. You lie awake, sobs rising up your throat. Your tears blur into darkness. You are taken by sleep.