Bad Thoughts

I wanted something to happen, not because that person was evil or did me wrong, but because their failure may give me a chance for what I want.

It's terrible, I know. And it wouldn't even guarantee my success; more like add landmines for me to navigate and a higher chance of blowing myself up.

I just wish for better for myself. For once, I want things to work out in my favor. For once, I would like to not get the fuzzy end. I try so hard to do the right thing, say the right thing, be the right thing. And I go along thinking that I am doing well until something smacks me in the face and says, "You ain't sh**t!"

Now I'm left to look on from the sidelines with this overwhelming hole in my chest reminding me that I'm not worth it.

That was supposed to be my joy! That was supposed to be my blessing, my little miracle!

The missed opportunity weighs on me heavily and leaves me trying to create another one. But it's not opportunity if you have to create it. It's manipulation. And it's not the same because it comes with a shadow that will cover the very thing you obtained from it.

So, I'm left hoping that something goes wrong for someone else, at least for a second, before I come back to my senses.