Vast

I've never been good with not knowing something. The scary unknown feels like a void no one wants to fall into. Yet, that's exatcly what transpired this year of 2019. The world I had been building towards has dissolved. It gave way the way the earth opens up beneath us during an earthquake. And now I find myself floating in this vat of the unknown. It's dark and sticks to me as I desperately try to reach for something to pull myself out with. But, all I do is make little shadowed waves. I am in this place of the unknown for now. I may as well make myself at home.

I no longer have a distinct life plan that used to include a house by 40, a partner by 35 and a career so good it makes your teeth ache from smiling. I simply have a rough draft now of possible goals I've set with no date in mind and places I intend to see with no concern for funds to do so. Life is open to me now in ways I had believed to be closed before. In my world ending, a new dawn broke through. Do not mistake my milld fear of this unknown world that I find myself in as an ending. No, this is simply the beginning of a whole new book I never believed I would write. I am no longer fixated on a future I was never truly invested in to begin with. All the 'shoulds' and the 'musts' fade away to background noise as I finally see things as I wish them to unfold. I am simply allowing the unknown to assist in mapping out my path and my future.

I had not anticipated making it this far. I was certain that with my addictions and my trauma, I would be dead far before 30. I had done everything in my power to make it so. And yet, one day of no particular importance, I woke up and began fighting for myself. I fought to live. That was my first dance with the unknown. My first step off the high rise and into open space where I had no tether nor help in finding my way forward. Or back. Facing the unknown is a process we tend to repeat endlessly. Often much to our trepidation and resistance. We prefer our comfort zones to making steps outside of the boxes we, ourselves, have created. But, I promise you. If you just took one step outside of the imaginary lines, you would find the most beautiful world of unknown possibilities.

As I float in my vat, I begin to see everything through varied lenses. I see myself as I once was and what I believed I wanted. I see myself as I am becoming and how it is like a paint by numbers. I am uncertain who I will be but I find that who I once was is the shadow from which my colors are drawn from. I could not face the unknown with the gusto I have in me without the person I used to be as my outline. You see, I found myself fighting change for so long that I began to believe the lies about myself. I believed I was never going to matter. I believed I was never going to achieve the goals I so desperately wanted. I believed this was in fact, IT. But, when my world gave way and I tumbled much like Alice must have after the White Rabbit, I found the way out. I found the way home. Home is the unknown for the time being. The ever changing, ever evolving, and ever present unknown. I am ill prepared for what is to come in 2020 but I could not be more excited. I will welcome all the discomfort, joy and humor that the unknown bestows upon me. And I will wear any scars with dignity and pride. For when we welcome the unknown as an old friend rather than a monster, we change our lives forever.