Last Thoughts

When the light ceases to exist darkness will consume the world around you. Darkness—never a dark shadow in the night. Its the pain that sucks happiness away. The entity that tears the existence of positivity from our equation. The monster under your bed eating away at your life piece by piece—day by day, Night by night. The chill on your neck when fear encumbers your soul. Darkness is the evil of the universe. The only thing standing between our eyes and this evil is the thin layer of light that is everything we know to love and live for.

I now lay here completely consumed by rage. I Have found myself in a world I do not understand. I no longer have the ability to absorb what is around me. I do not see. I do not hear. I do not feel nor taste. I have not even the slightest ability to smell. To become nothing by such means is devastating. To not sense my surroundings— Again, I lay here completely consumed by rage.

I have one hope however, I am still able to mentally exist. I can imagine. I can think. For sake of survival I hold on to this hope with all my minds so very limited capacity.

Reality seems to be limited as well. What we think creates our reality. There is nothing else so real as such an idea. The notion that we all have the same reality is completely false. I can this understand now— merely by existing in such a darkness.

What you do not know however, is I am in fact hiding the steepness of pain I feel. Not pain as you would expect in a normal reality—no. I am talking mental pain. Evil from the world of nightmares. Nightmares that I cant escape. Nightmares that will not end. Between the feelings of rage and the loss of sense I find myself reliving the same dream. Over and over again.

I am angry to discover this is what I have come to. There was a time in my life when I could see the beauty of the sky. With her blues and whites. Her cloud spattered canvas against the horizon we all know as home. More so than not, we find ourselves upset with the vicious cycle the skies give to us. Rain. Snow. Thunder and lightning. Never does one think to themselves to appreciate the sole ability to feel, and to see the cycle of that sky we are so blessed to have experienced.

At one time in my life I could hear all the sounds of the world around me. I could hear the whistling of every bird near my person at any given point in the day. However, I very often chose to ignore the beauty of sounds in the world. The chirping of crickets in the night. The howling of wolves against a moonlit sky. I regret so rarely listening to the beauty of such sounds all around my person now. For we tend to drown them out behind other misleading focus. Such as cars, factories, planes and trains. The cities we have built all becoming walls between us, and the true beauty of the world. The true reason we exist.

I believe this next sense to be the most important of all. To feel. Right now I can guarantee I am suffering without my sense of feeling. For I was always the type to rely solely on my feelings. Yes when I speak of feeling as a sense I also include the emotional feeling.

There Is a beauty in the way we can feel. We touch and we sense. The warmth of a windy summer day. With a breeze blowing through our hair. We become upset after so much time spent creating what we see to be a beautiful style of hair. Only to be ruined in that wind. Yet I see now that the time we spent upset, or finding focus in such laborious and conceited tasks has completely wasted the essence of our time living.

We feel the cold, although not very desiring—I dearly miss the cold. I was always fascinated by the way the snow would feel. So soft and light and ice to the touch. Oh the games we would play with just a ball of snow in hand.

But feeling goes beyond that. What of love. What of the blind and invisible force that some say holds the entire existence together. Love. The only feeling that is absolutely true to share. A force of attraction, and connectivity. The eye opener of the world.

Love just may be the key to understanding that gravitational pull between all things in existence. Does the moon stay near the earth out of love. Is gravity truly alive. Does the earth hang so close to the sun because of Love.

Is there a deeper connection in this universe that we will never understand.

The sun so fiery and fierce. Knowing the pains she holds and unleashing their sheer power into the universe. Does she keep earth at such a distance as to protect. Is there a love story there. I do not know. I will never know. If I ever do learn the answer to such a question. Time may be so far gone that communicating back to you will cease to be a reality.

I think we as humans have distanced ourselves from our truly powerful sense of feeling. I see that now as I lay here. Void of all my senses. Sight, taste, feeling, hearing, even smelling. It pains me, oh so very much. Although I will say I have some of my feeling left. For I continue to exist mentally therefore I can still feel in the emotional sense. I can still here thoughts.

Deep inside my mind, a voice talks to me. Not with words for I cannot hear this voice. However I feel this voice— in a sense. I will venture to state this voice must be my inner conscious. Its almost interesting to know that even in such a state of being, ones inner conscious is still alive and well. Breathing and speaking. I wonder if this spark of consciousness is what differentiates life from death. Will I know my death when this voice inside my mental existence disappears. Will void fill inside after all is said and done.

No, I believe that I am alive. For I still feel my innermost life source, if you will. This may just be the break through I needed about now. For without such a hope I do not know how much longer I could possess the will to hold on.

This voice inside my head tells me to hold on. Such a feminine voice. I will say, I like that this voice is so feminine for I do not feel as alone. Its a thought like that, when I wonder if this was the exact moment god created the universe. Did A god feel this exact feeling. To create a woman. To give her a world. Is That the beginning of it all. The unexplainable relationship between man, woman, and loneliness. The relationship of all things in existence. Is love the opposite of alone. The fulfilled desire to fill such a gap. The inner fulfillment of all things.

That not a soul will ever know, however this voice in the back of my mind has given me the growing hope I have needed and that my friend— Is indisputable

The onset of another nightmare is approaching. It is in this moment. This slow, and crippling moment—I find myself in fear. Just Imagine waking up one day and discovering that the nightmare you had last night never went away. Imagine that the nightmares you will dream are the reality of your existence. And as a replacement for a dream, you experience absolutely nothingness except for the lonely thought cycle of what I believe to be my dying mind. Just imagine such a world for a second, and tell me fear is not something more than a spider on a wall. A mouse between your feet. Or a shadow in the night.

I am cast away into a scene I know to be familiar yet I haven’t the slightest idea how it came to be in my mind. I know deep in my bone that this scene is more than an image I created during such a raging nightmare. There is too much emotion. Too much connection to be felt for a simple coincidence. Yes it is still alarmingly eerie that I can not find the origin of the imagery here.

I see a road. Your normal road, about midday. The suns high in the sky, shining playfully into the corner of my left eye. I hear someone mumbling beside me. A female voice, although it is extremely hard to make out. I feel a bottling of emotion in my chest, Like my heart wants to explode. Fear and panic crawl up my spine. The edges of the world go black. The sun disappears into the darkness and I see nothingness once again. I am scared I feel alone.

That isn’t the nightmare however, that comes next.

After a brief moment of nothing, I hear clearly, these words fall from the woman’s tongue. “I’m done Micheal. It isn’t working. Its over.” That was the moment my chest exploded.

I stared the woman in the eye and felt pain more realistic than anything I have come to know. I then witnessed oncoming lights from the left side of my body, however I do nothing. And then it all fades. I wake up. Screaming.

Screaming not of fear but of pain. The attachment I felt towards the woman in that dream is indescribable. The feeling of pain Is far too great. When she speaks those words my entirety cringed. It feels like my heart rips from my body.

This is the nightmare that continually repeats in my mind. I know it doesn’t seem like much of a nightmare, but its my nightmare. Its in my mind—My emotions.

There it is again. The feminine voice I heard before that I recognized as my conscious. This time The words were similar but different. They repeated, “you have to pull through. Just hold on a little longer.”

Again this voice built hope into my heart. There was no greater feeling than this hope. Especially after losing so much of it throughout the imagery in the nightmares.

That voice I heard was more than just my conscious. Whether I was beginning to create a reality or simply experiencing one that was already real. That voice belonged to someone, outside of my sensory. Outside of my limited capability of sight. The voice was the same feminine voice from the nightmare. There is of course a chance since its my conscious its the only voice I can recall. However, why would my conscious be feminine if I am in fact a male being.

The voice then called me out by name, “Micheal I’m here. I promise. Hold on a little longer. It isn’t over.”

I yelled who are you. But there was no response. I yelled again. With a whirlwind of hope that an answer was what I would receive. Something more than an aimless voice. Something more than the nightmares. Something real. Something with response. A sign that I truly wasn’t alone. Not yet at least.

For the first time I could see something other than darkness. A white light. It was painfully bright. I knew it wasn’t the white light that meant my life had ended. That light would be warm and welcoming. This light hurt like a thousand sins burst through my eyes and burned into my soul. I then heard the faint sound of beeping. A beeping sound that continued to increase in volume until it to pierced into my being with pain. I also heard the sound of people around me. They were talking and moving. It was muffled and painful to hear but I could hear them.

In only a matter of seconds I could see a fuzzy outline of the people as well. There were doctors. About three of them. Which meant I was in a hospital.

This scared me. Greatly. So much so that I almost was more comfortable with the darkness. Until I noticed the one thing that kept me fighting through the last seconds of my life. The girl from the dream. The voice I kept hearing. She was there holding my hand. Screaming towards me to hold on—Tears in her eye.

I stared into her eyes as I heard the beeping become constant. The beeping must have been my heart monitor. I was now flat lined.

This I know to be true because the last sound I heard before I went back to nothing was,

“Clear.”