A little slice of pi for your journey

Pi,

dressed up nicely

as a radian,

will get you across the Pacific,

more or less,

with an extended layover in Hawai’i.

We recommend the Royal Mahalo Hotel

on WaoWao Beach.

Get a king room with

DVD player and remote

with extra batteries.

Lotsa mana, that space.

In summer, you can stretch pi

liberally, given its impressive

tensile strength,

and hit Kamchatka,

but who the hell would ever

wanna visit Kamchatka,

except to mine for ancient

vodka rocks?

Me? I’d opt for an air drop

over Macau.

The pretty girls,

long legs and short memories,

all with Master’s degrees

and an outstanding

positive mental attitude,

you know.

For that round-the-world cruise,

though, you may need the whole ring:

2 x pi x Mother Earth radius.

Beware of giant floating rocks

at the higher latitudes.

If you’re in a hurry

and need to get to

the moon, say,

we suggest the cycloid

and a million joules

of carrot juice,

which is really just a metaphor

for a shitload of rocket fuel

and a child’s prayer.

Fasten your seatbelt.

And don’t forget your tray table.

And, for the truly discerning frequent flier,

may we suggest the Slingshot Express*,

a spicy mix of pi, active uranium,

discarded wishes and a kilo of pono

that will launch even a sizable ass

like yours [just sayin’]

well into Earth orbit

for many many years,

allowing you and your Plus-One

to experience a soundless

and, quite literally,

endless summer

from 234,000 feet above

everything you can possibly think of.

*The fine print:

This is a one-way flight, dear,

so please say aloha-ciao to loved ones

and do pack appropriately.