Preliminary Hearing

She sobbed into bleak nothing. Her mournful wails bouncing back at her from the echoes of the bathroom.

Although it was never something she had wanted, this wasn’t how she had wanted it to end either.

She didn’t have much confidence. She was shy beyond belief. Making eye-contact was one of the hardest things she had to do in her day-to-day life, and as much as she tried, she often ended up gazing at anything else, rather than another persons face.

She longed for someone to understand her, to break down her walls.

Walking through the corridor one day, she felt someone sneak up behind her, and there he was. He didn’t say anything, but a half smile swept accross his face as he slipped a note into the palm of her hand, as he then in turn slipping away into the crowds.

Her cheeks blushed, and she hurried into the closest bathroom, locking herself in a stall so she could release her excitment without anyone else seeing.

From that moment on, he was all she could think about.

He was older than her. He made her feel special, like she had been hand-picked from the masses; the chosen one. The other girls in her year told her that he was weird, and that she was weird, but that made it seem all-the-more perfect. She fell head-over-heels for him. They would pass notes in the hallway, stealing secret glances through classroom door windows, holding hands at lunch time. She never felt pressured.

It was a quiet relationship. They exchanged numbers, and began to text constantly, despite in person exchanging few words.

She wasn’t sure when it changed.

He began to text less, his hand-drawn pictures and notes dwindled.

She was desperate to keep him, to continue feeling understood in this sea of misunderstandings.

When they spoke, his soft words would turn hard. Anger spilling out from his mouth.

She couldn’t comprehend.

One day, he said he wanted to kiss her.

She was unsure, she didn’t feel ready, but she thought if didn’t, he would leave her for someone who would. All the other girls had had kisses. They didn’t seem to think it was a big deal. So she agreed.

At after-school study, she slipped out, and met him in an unused classroom.

They went to the back of the room, a table up against the door, lights off.

They stood at the back, and he told her to close her eyes.

So she did.

She could feel her heart beating furiously, she could smell his sweet, warm breath, feeling him getting closer. It felt like an eternity, but their lips met.

It wasn’t that bad, infact it felt quite nice! They kissed for a few minutes, her stomach flipping, butterflies flapping their wings against her insides.

He pulled back. He told her what a good kisser she was. How special she was, how special she made him feel. He moved closer, and leant in for another kiss.

He was so close now, their hips touching, her back squashed into a corner.

It was wet, she could feel saliva dripping down her chin, it was getting abit much.

She tried to pull back, but couldn’t. She could feel his penis becoming errect.

She turned her head, gasping for breath.

“What are you doing?!” He exclaimed.

She wasn’t sure what to say, but she asked if he could slow down, saying it was all moving too fast for her to keep up.

He looked hurt.

“Do you not love me?” He asked.

“Ofcourse I do!” She replied quickly.

“Then why won’t you let me show you how much I love you then?” He smarmed.

She had that feeling in her gut, that this wasn’t right, but the voice in her head told her he would leave and nobody else would ever love her.

So they contiued kissing.

He continued to push her further into the wall, grabbing her hand and placing it on his trousers, so she could feel his ’love’ for her..

She was no longer enjoying this. The butterflies in her stomach had turned into stinging wasps, each touch making her wince, each kiss making her hate herself more.

His breathing was hot and heavy, making her skin prick and her head swirl from nausea.

He lifted up her skirt, and pulled down her tights and underwear.

He begged her - “Please, Pleeease just let me put the tip in.. I love you, I just want to show you how much I love you..”

She unwillingly agreed. His love was all she wanted, but not like this.

He turned her round, bending her over the table.

Her mind reeled. everything felt so fake and surreal, like some sort of dream.

Her stomach felt so bloated, so weighed down.

A tear fell from her eye, as he thrusted into her.

It hurt. She wasn’t ready. This wasn’t supposed to happen, not this way, not here,

in a classroom. Her mind just left the room, only her body remained.

A final thrust and a grunt signified that it it was over.

More tears had fallen since the first, and a small pool of salty wetness was left on the table where her head had rested.

She felt ashamed. Heat spread from her cheeks and up behind her ears.

Her eyes swollen from crying silent tears.

He cleaned himself up, and disapeared into the bright hallway, without a single word.

She was left alone, in the dark. Unsure of what had just happened.

She fixed her skirt, wiped her tears, and texted her dad to come pick her up.

Her dad arrived, he asked if she was alright. She said yes, and they continued the journey in silence.

She got into bed, cried, and at some point fell asleep.

The next few weeks passed slowly. Everything was such an effort.

She didn’t hear from the boy again. Discarded like the little whore she was.

That’s what they were calling her, ‘that little whore’.

Word had spread that she’d let a boy in between her legs.

She tried to talk to him, but he brushed her off, saying he just didn’t have time for a girlfriend, or even to talk or explain what was going on.

She was completly bewildered. She zoned out from reality. Just moved through the phases of life. She stopped eating. She wasn’t hungry.

She just stopped everything. all she did was go to school, and sleep.

Nobody questioned anything. Was she even real? Did she even exist?

Is this what life was going to be like?!

She cried at first, deep belowing sobs, but she soon ran out of energy to cry, and was left with a numbing feeling in its place.

A month and a half passed. She still felt the same; dazed and indifferent; deadened.

She had not recieved her monthly gift from mother nature.

Her peiod was late. Super late.

She began to panic.

She skipped school, heading into town to pick up a pregnancy test.

The lady in the shop smiling meakly at her as she selected the cheapest one, paying for it in coins. She went to the public bathrooms. They smelt like urine, grimey and full of sadness.

She read the instructions. It was all so alien to her.

She waited, patiently, wanting time to just stop and the ground to swallow her up.

Her timer went off, and it was time to check.

She was pregnant. Those two lines, such small things, having such a huge knock-on effect.

Her stomach flipped, and she spewed vomit all over the toilet.

What was she supposed to do?!

Have a baby when she couldn’t even look after herself!?

Her head got light, and she couldn’t hear. She fainted. Gladfully.

When she came to, she had decided. She was just not going to tell anyone.

She couldn’t. Her parents would freak. They would be so angry.

Plus, she would have to admit what happened. How she had let him do this to her.

He would get in trouble too, and as much as she hated him, part of her still loved him and the feelings that he had given her at the start of all of this.

She just went about her life as she had before.

With no enthusiasm, or care. Just scraping through the days, barely.

One morning she woke, a pain in her stomach, but not her stomach.

A sharp stab.

Nobody else was home.

She ran to the bathroom, panting and sweating.

It was the most horrible feeling she had ever felt.

Worse than when he had bent her over the table.

Worse than everybody calling her those names.

Worse than the cuts she had given herself to relieve the emotional pain.

She sat on the toilet, her head swimming, beads of sweat dripping down her head and spilling down her neck.

What was happening?

She felt the urge to push.

She didn’t know much, but she knew that under 3 months was too early for a baby to be ready.

She felt the jagged stab again.

A sudden gush, and it felt like her insides were being ripped out.

This went on for awhile. She could see the toilet filling with lumps and blood.

She almost fanited, but didn’t.

It felt like it was over. Exhausted, she flung herself onto the cold bathroom tiles.

She sobbed into bleak nothing. Her mournful wails bouncing back at her from the echoes of the bathroom.

Although it was never something she had wanted, this wasn’t how she had wanted it to end either.

As time moved on, and the years began to pass, she did eventually feel happy.

She found people who loved her, and cared for her. People who didn’t taunt her,

or turn a blind eye. She got all the beautiful moments she deserved, and more.

Although this experience haunted her, it had given her an incredible strength to strive for better. That last day, in the bathroom, she made a promise to herself, and her unborn baby, that they would meet again, under better circumstances, when they were both ready.

It had given her a reason to live, to find something better for herself.

She went to therapy, She spoke of what happened to her, sharing her story with as many other people as she could. She didn’t want a single other person to feel what she had felt, to experience the woes that she had had to endure.

She would not be silenced!

She had used her pain to strengthen herself, to start again.

She would no longer be on trial, she would set herself free.

Free to be all that she could be, for her.

Free to be the person she had longed to be, the person she had needed all those years ago.

A person who cared and listened and would not ignore those in pain or those who were hurting, whatever their reason may be.

She let go of her past, only sometimes thinking of what could have been..

but she didn't dwell.

She was free, free from her past, free from judgment.

She had the power. She had the choice.

And she chose herself.

She chose to live.