at the end of the line

its happened twice.

where in the darkness of my room, i lied down with a tear streaked face and a noose around my neck from the pills in my stomache.

where it felt like my chest would burst open before the pills would stop my heart.

and the second time it was as intense as feeling like i was pushed under the waves of a midnight ocean, and someone was pulling me under and under until the last of air left my lungs and all i could breathe was water.

and i wanted to stay there, swollowing the water and feel death at every sense.

and i was so angry.

and i was so sad.

and i was so confused.

and i was so lost. So, so lost.

I wanted someone to hold me but at the same time i wanted to be completely alone in this struggle.

since that was how i started, and how i wished to end.

in silence and utterly alone.

in the darkness.

i realized how fragile i was in that moment.

how such a small thing could end im me wishing to drown so deep, no one could ever find me.

maybe it was me,

my selfishness, my laziness, my stubbornness,

that landed me in the ocean rather than the stars.

i mean i tried,

i swear i tried,

i swear i tried with everything in me.

but maybe,

this is how it was meant to go, and meant to end.

maybe this is how everything was supposed to go.

maybe i was the side character, meant to help the main character evolve into something beautiful.

maybe this was never my story.

never to tell, never to end,

a cliffhanger of the best kind-

confusing, abrupt, and incomplete.