those who follow

I have several who like to follow me day to day.

One is always there, looming in the back of my head, like glitter staying on everything. Looming like a large shadow, ready to swallow me whole. Overbearing somedays, not as bad the next. But over time, over time, its hard to tell what's a "good" and what's a "bad" day. It's been turning into days of "bad," "horrible," "terrible," and "worst." One coos words into my ears, like a mother and her baby. Except instead of kind, warm words, it's They hate you, you know? They don't want to be with you. They only feel pity for you, that's why they are here. That's not even the brunt of it. Oh, you absolutely suck. You could have gotten that (on a goal scored I might have been able to stop). Why don't you work harder, coach is so annoyed with you right now (on me at practice, in a drill). One is always 10 steps behind physically, but 20 steps ahead mentally, knowing how to break me down and ruin the small amount of peace in my head. One is always there from the start to the end of the day.

Two is always right behind me, biting at my heels, damn, like that annoying chihuahua at the end of the street. Questioning everything, barking doubts like the little yappy dog it is. However, it's barks are far from being yappy, and instead sounds like a rottweiler, growling at the mailman. What if you forgot to answer the question? or What if she's dead because she's not answering her phone? Two always says these, trying to get under my skin. Unfortunately, Two is almost always successful. In tandem with One, late nights are almost every night because of Them.

Three isn't supposed to be like One and Two, but they might as well be. Three acts the exact opposite of what they are supposed to be like, keeping me down, instead of lifting me up. Discouraging me with the unhelpful help from Two, the what-ifs course through my mind like Amazon River, current strong as god knows. Three is supposed to encourage me but instead pushes me closer and closer to rock bottom. With Three, I feel like the world is slipping away from me.

Four is a special case. I didn't even notice Them until a few years ago. They're always questioning who I am, who I love. Are you sure you like them? Or are you just forcing yourself? It's quite annoying. Four likes working with Two. They always question me, peppering me like a machine gun shoots bullets. Are you sure that's what you identify as? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? Constantly, over and over and over again. I try to ignore Four a lot. Of course, I can't, and they bite my heels like Two. And Four always, always, comes up and close at the worst times.

I'm sure I have more. I most definitely have more who follow me. Are a few good? Perhaps. I don't really know. My life is monotonous, with a sprinkle of events to pepper the taste of life.