Breaking

I brought my heart back from the dead...put blood sweat and tears into sewing back my supposedly unmendable soul.. i forced myself out of the sea onto a sunbathed shore of the purest sand...it was so much work...i put my everything to being whole...now i feel like im about to break all over again...i can hear the strain in all my joints...i can feel the tears condensing in my eyes...i can feel the ocean whisper...its terrible voice is calling me back...back to drowning...back to torture...back to the company of dark waters...back to my demons...i dont want to go back in but my feet are at the tides...the ink is licking my toes...my toes cushioned with sand...the sun is setting...the sky is beautifully scattering light...the sky is breaking w colour... i feel myself breaking...i dont want to face the sea...but i cant turn away...i cant climb back to land...im frozen...in this space between time and the timeless...between sanity and the lost...between love and the hatred...and im breaking...with the tears starting to flow...acid feeling runs down my chin...it drops onto the ivory sands...it ruins everything...a dark ugly mistake...i shouldnt say it...but i feel like a mistake...i shouldnt have fixed myself...i should have stayed broken...im going to break again...its taking all my strength not to break again...a crack over my heart kills like a burning fire...i dont want to break again...i feel like im swimming in fire...i just want the water to drench me and get rid of the pain...i dont want to break...but can i even stop it? Maybe its meant to be like this...maybe ive been dispositioned to be broken...can change what comes so naturally? Pain feels so natural. Or have i gotten used to hiding the unnatural? Pretending to be normal...when im not?

And the sea is calling...its always been calling...the drowning melody of the waves...i hate the song of it...im stuck singing it over and over in my head...i cant escape myself anymore...what is stopping me from diving back in? From returning to the comfort of the darkness?