Bed-bound Ramblings III.

They say time heals all wounds. They say it gets easier and you disagree. You can’t see beyond it, not then anyway. But it does. You remember. And it gets so much better.

I’m on the bottom bunk in a tiny hotel room in Philadelphia for vacation. My best friend is asleep on the top bunk, nursing a sinus infection and struggling to sleep comfortably. The hotel room is nice but small, and I am confined to where I am so much so it itches slightly at my claustrophobia. I was never really comfortable in my own home, but I am comfortable in my own home.

I think about when I wasn’t. I think about not so long ago trying to sleep in the place I thought would be a home for me sometime in the near future. A place I thought I felt at ease in, but kept waking up every night in the middle of the night, unaware as to why. I ignored the unsettled feeling and reminded myself of the body heat next to mine and went back to bed. I shook it off as my anxiety, my obvious talent for just being unsettled. But often times, I fail to listen to my body just as I had done then. My body told me that being there didn’t feel as good as I had wanted. It told me something was wrong and I needed to feel right. I ignored it then, when I should have listened. I’m trying not to ignore it so much now.

I have more intuition than I give myself credit for. I have more confidence than I allow myself credit for. I do a lot of ignoring when I should be listening because perhaps if I really pay attention and listen, my feelings will guide me away from all the things that just aren’t good for me. For the past few months, I had ignore my body crying out for sleep. I was waking up to check texts, to prioritize a relationship, to offer myself down time in front of the television, and spending any and all free time I had traveling and experiencing what I took as an investment in my life and future. I dehydrated myself by drinking more coffee than my two cup a day max rule because it’s just what we did and it was there. I explored food because I love it and I was exploring love, forgetting all about how I need to eat for my thyroid condition. Ignoring how I shouldn’t be having dairy and should be ingesting more fish. I forgot the importance of gluten, grain, sugar-free and paleo. And I had forgotten the fact that I loved the gym and lifting. I forgot how to make time for it between everything else.

My body shut down. It shut down last week, and I took it as a warning. Granted, landing in the emergency room severely dehydrated and mildly deluded from ultra-violent food poisoning wasn’t exactly something I had done to cause it to shut down, but it sent an alarm off inside of me and I listened. I intended to listen.

I slept like the dead for three days. Since then, I go to sleep around 10 or 11 instead of 1 or 2 and I feel so much better. I’m not skipping my vitamins or medication because I’m too busy galavanting about and didn’t have the time or water to take them. I have returned to investing in my health and myself and I have been happier. I am almost fully vegetarian now (I allow myself fish and since my hospitalization, I am deterred from eating meat. The idea makes me sick). Although I am better, my stomach is still in recovery and I intend to treat it with care. I have been doing so.

Prior to this, I had been doing yoga which helped my anxiety, posture, and health. I felt a whole body and spiritual difference within starting that practice. The results began to pay off. I even invested in buying my first spin bike, to prioritize my health when I am too busy to get anywhere else.

I’ve allowed myself to be deaf for much too long. I’m learning to listen to my body and to my mind and frankly, I am loving the results. I am still recovering, but I feel incredibly empowered.

Sometimes when you lose yourself in other people or things you forget who you are. I know who I am and I will never let myself forget it again. I know what I am capable of and how I am an amazing warrior woman. I don’t care what they think, or anyone else. Only what I think.

The only investing I ever need to do with my love is within my own body and soul, not that of another person. It is not selfish to put yourself first. When you do, it makes you beautiful and powerful. It brings out your best person. I’m back. I’m grateful.

I won’t forget again.