Completing a Demon (A How-To Guide)
“That’s new,” I muttered as I stared at the human-shaped blob breathing under my bed covers.
With growing curiosity, I flicked the covers off the lump to reveal a handsome gentleman with ugly horns laying on his side, grinning like an idiot at me. “Bet you wish I was,” he replied cockily.
I flipped the covers back over him and headed for the door. In a panic, the man with horns flew from my bed to in front of the door, blocking my escape. “Wait, wait, wait!” He exclaimed. “I know we got on the wrong foot, doll face, but there’s no need for running away.”
“What’s with the horns?” I flicked the right one.
“Ow!” He yelped. “They’re genetic, so lay off!”
“So what? Are you like a demon?”
“You could say that,” he smoldered. “Or you could say that I’m handsome.”
I flicked the other horn.
“Ow! Stop it!”
“Why are you here?”
“I’m here…” he said with jazz hands, “to help you commit murder. Ta-da!”
Abruptly, I opened the door and smashed it against his smug face.
“Ouch! That’s worse than the flicking!”
The demon pouted. “How rude.”
“Yes, you are.”
“All part of the territory, doll face.”
I stepped on his foot.
“Ow!” He hopped in place trying to sooth it. “Quit it with the physical abuse! Are you sure you’re not a demon in disguise?”
“That was for calling me ‘doll face’.”
“How about ‘foot-stepper’? ‘Pain-maker’, perhaps? Or, The One Who Tortures Innocent Demons?”
“Oh, come on!” He cheered. “Turn that frown upside down! You know what will make you feel better? A little bit of perfectly healthy murder! Don’t you have a coworker you hate? I know you do! Everyone does. For me, it’s Steve in Demonic Accounting. He always steals my lunch, that bastard. So, I once swapped out my lunch for an actual bass turd. Haha! And he fell for it! Anyway, back to choosing who you wanna kill. I bet her name is Gwen. It’s usually the Gwens who are most annoying. Is her name Gwen? Hmmmmmm????”
“Back off, dude! Why are you obsessed with getting me to commit murder?”
“Why are you so reluctant to kill someone! A little stabby-stabby makes the world go round, don’t you know? It certainly did wonders for ancient Rome and it’ll do wonders for you!”
“You sound like a salesman.”
He chuckled. “Haha, yeah, we have a couple of those back in Hell. Well, actually, all of them. They’re an unruly bunch, truly. Plus, they just don’t get along with the guys in accounting. Though, I guess that’s a bonus for me because they hate Steve most of all, too. You wouldn’t believe that they did last year to him—”
“For someone who talks so much, you still haven’t answered my original question.”
“Oh yeah! And that was again…?”
“Why you want me to commit murder!”
“Oh yeah, that.” The demon wagged his butt back and forth. “You see that?”
“That’s my juicy butt and it’s missing something.” Taking a few steps forward, he invaded my personal bubble. “And it’s something only you can give me.”
His hot breath brushed against my skin. “A-and what’s that?” I asked.
“A tail!” He exclaimed like a little kid talking about what they wanted for Christmas.
“A tail! Angels earn their wings, demons earn their tail—but only after they convince a human to commit a grave sin. And I need that tail, because let’s face it.” He panned his smokin’ body. “This look—as sexy as it is—just isn’t complete without a tail. I mean, horns by themselves make me look like a lune! I need that tail! Besides, a little murder never hurt anyone.”
“Except the victim!”
“Mmmhhh, I won’t call them a ‘victim’ per se, more like... an unwitting volunteer.”
I crossed my arms and pursed my lips.
“Okay, okay,” he coaxed. “If you’re not done with killing someone then maybe… we can just stab someone? How’s that? Tame enough for you, doll face?”
I kicked him in the shin. “I told you to quit it with the ‘doll face’.”
While he hobbled on one foot, the demon scowled. “Alright fine! Whatever! Just tell me whatever sin you wanna commit, so I can get the frick out of here. Earth is stuffy. I don’t know how you do it.”
“Then leave,” I spat.
The demon straightened up and glared at me. “No can do, doll face. I’m not leaving without my tail.” A grin grew across his face. “Which means you’re stuck with me.”
I punched him in the gut.
Through the agony, he choked out. “This… changes… nothing!”
With a sigh, I asked. “I’m really not gonna be able to get rid of you without committing a sin, aren’t I?”
“Fine,” I tossed my long hair back. “Let’s get this over with.”
“Him.” The demon pointed at a nearby passerby.
“Too short,” I answered in between breaths and shoveling ice cream into my ice cream hole.
“Them,” he said with an evil grin.
I raked my hands through my hair. “Look, if I gotta kill someone, it’s gotta be the perfect victim. If they don’t end up on the news, then this entire day will be a waste.”
“Good big or good home, I like it.”
I handed him the empty ice cream up. “How ’bout you go buy me another ice cream, alright?”
He grumbled. “This is a gross misuse of a demon you know!”
“And get sprinkles.”
As he left earshot, I muttered to myself. “Man, what a twat.”
“I agree with your statement, but not your language, young lady.”
I leapt to the side. My eyes widened as I stared at beautiful wings with even more beautiful white wing stubs on her back sitting on a picnic table beside me.
“An… angel?” I breathed in awe. “So… purdy.”
She twisted her blonde locks in her fingers. “I agree, young lady.” The angel jumped off the table and landed on the soft dirt with the grace of an Olympic gymnast. “Now, young lady, you must mind who you keep in your company. That man you are with is no good for you.”
I snorted. “That’s what my mom said about my last three boyfriends.”
Her lashes weighed heavy with sass as she said. “And how did that turn out for you, young lady?”
“I sleept with each one of them on my mom’s bed to get revenge on her and I—” I bit my lip to stop talking. God, there was something about her that made you want to spill your guts to her like a freshly slaughtered pig.
“And what, young lady? I haven’t the time for your hesitation.”
I un-bit my lip. “And I made sure we got caught every time so she would know—but that what would she know about love? Huh? She got divorced twice!” I bent in two as I exhaled “God!” All the air fled from my lungs. I wagged my finger at her. “That’s—haha, that’s some mind trick you got there.”
“And it’s some decision you have got here.”
The demon from before pranced up to us with his eyes solely on the ice cream. “So, I was thinking, if you kill a child that’ll give you at least a week of air time. What do you think? Perfect or what?” His eyes drifted up to see the angel in front of him. A second later, he crushed the ice cream cup. Sticky syrup dripped down the side of his hand, but he didn’t seem to notice.
“What are you doing here?” His words were like venom on the tongue.
“Helping this young lady deal with you, devious demon.” Her words were drizzled with honey and I wanted her to pour me a whole bowl. (whatever that means)
The demon clicked his tongue and placed a sassy hand on his hip. “Is that so?” He eyed her wing stubs. “Well, she doesn’t need your help. Come, human.” Grabbing my hand, he tugged me away from her. “She’s a bad influence. Let’s go.”
I halted in my tracks and snorted. “Are you serious? She’s an angel! And you’re… you’re just a filthy rat from hell.”
He gawked at me. Heartbreak shone in his eyes. “But, human! We were going to murder together! I already started my scrapbook on it!”
He held up a crummily put together scrapbook with empty slots for future photos. I slapped it onto the ground. It sloshed in the melted ice cream, staining the pictures.
“I’m done with you,” I lashed out. Quickly, I turned and took the angel’s hand. It was warm and soft to the touch. “Let’s go.”
“Excellent decision, young lady.”
After leaving the demon in the dust, I asked her, “so, what do we do now?”
Her wing stubs wiggled. “What proper young ladies like you should fill all your leisure time with: good deeds.”
“Like donating blood?”
“Excellent idea, young lady."
With dodgy eyes, I stared at the nurse walking closer to me with an alyx in hand. The angel sat in the corner of the room, watching us as the nurse cleaned my skin for the tube. “This might sting a little,” the nurse said as she plunged the tube of the alyx under my skin.
And then the blood flowed.
It was redder than I thought it would be.
I glanced back at the angel and she smiled at me, feeling my insides with euphoria Her wing stubs looked bigger than before.
A few minutes later, a pint of me had relocated in the plastic bag and the nurse prepared to unhook the alyx. Then, the angel frowned.
“You should donate more.” Her wing stubs twitched as she spoke.
Shaking her head, the nurse explained, “no, a person shouldn’t donate more than one pint of blood in a sitting.”
“But you should donate more,” she firmly repeated.
“I feel fine,” I said. “I can give another pint.”
“But—” The nurse began.
“Let her give another pint,” the angel repeated, a voice like frozen honey.
With shaky hands the nurse attached another empty blood bag to the alyx.
And the blood flowed.
It was blurrier than I thought it would be.
Just as before, radiance known as that angel’s smile rained down at me as the bag pumped full.
“You should donate another pint,” the angel cooed as she reached back to stroke her wing stubs.
They looked bigger. Or maybe just blurrier.
This time, both the nurse’s and mine hands shook as she plugged in another empty bag.
And the blood flowed.
Or at least, I think it was. The room was spinning faster than I thought it would.
“More,” the angel said once this bag was full.
On cue, the nurse moved to replace it, but a third pair of hands stopped her.
“That’s enough,” a male voice told me.
I looked up and… it was the demon with the same stupid horns from before.
“She can donate more,” the angel ressured. “Humans only die from blood loss when they lose between half to two thirds of their blood. She’s only lost a third.” The angel turned to me with pleading eyes. “You can donate more, can’t you?”
“I-I can donate mooore,” I slurred.
Snarling, he snapped. “Cut it out! Stop using her to get your damn wings!”
The angel’s nose wrinkled. “Why? Isn’t that the same thing you’re doing for your tail?”
“At least I was honest about it!” He yanked off the alyx’s tube. A little blood spurted out, but he quickly patched it up as he spoke. “At least I told her the truth!” He glared at the demon. “At least it was her choice. At least I wasn’t controlling her like you are!” He ripped off the bandage’s end and tried to pull me to my feet. While I slipped from my weight, he scooped me up and headed for the door. “You angels think you’re so good because your acts aren’t called sins. You forget that it isn’t your actions that matter so much as your intentions. Or how far you’re willing to go.” My world fuzzed out as he added. “You angels would drown the world by throwing pennies in a fountain and say you’re wishing to end world hunger.”
I woke up the next morning with a suspiciously demon-shaped blob under my covers beside me. I yanked the covers off and he cried out, “oi! That’s cold!”
I pressed my hand against my temples. “What happened?”
“An ‘angel’ tried to take advantage of you, and I—your handsome savior—saved you.”
I hooked my hands around his chin and shaked it. “Why are you immortals so good looking, though?”
“Because we have forever to dedicate to our skin care routine.”
I rolled my eyes and flopped back into bed with a sigh.
“Oh, that won’t do.” He clapped. “I know! We should go egg your boss’s car! Will that make you feel better?”
I grinned. “Hell yeah it would. Let’s go!”
“Wait, I need to get my camera first! Scrap books don't make themselves!"