Old Friend

The headline came across my screen, “Governor Calls For Seclusion”. Just like everyone else, I assumed this was an overreaction. Social media was ablaze with the endless memes about the immediate toilet paper shortage, being bored by day two, and all the babies that would be here 9 months from now. That last one made me giggle a little bit. Hidden amid those posts were the posts from people who didn’t know how they would handle being isolated for so long. They had bigger things to worry about. Who cares about toilet paper if they struggle with health issues already? Who cares about getting bored when they barely make enough money to pay their bills? I, however, have a different outlook than everyone else.

“This is great! I’ve been preparing for this for years,” I joyfully exclaimed to my wife. “Is it wrong for me to thank corona virus for this?”

She laughed because she gets me. She also laughed because she’s full of joy and laughs at everything. If I were to judge myself through her eyes, then I would have to assume I’m the greatest comedian that has ever lived.

Isolation is easy. I’m autistic. Sometimes it’s a superpower. Sometimes it’s a curse. Isolation is something I do already. To me, the outside world is just a little too scary. People are loud, certain lights are too bright, eyebrows often reflect a different emotion than what the person is expressing...there are a lot of things that make the outside world confusing for me.

I’ve been in isolation my entire life.

About 6 months ago, I was in a large room that was full of people. Even when standing in that crowd I was perfectly isolated. That had become my routine. In my mind are walls that have been constructed; they’ve been built to keep other people out. I don’t want to bring too much attention to myself, so I have learned to blend in; I know how to fake being “normal”. That’s not easy, by the way...you know...appearing to be normal.

The other day I was talking to someone when I began to laugh. It only took me about 15 seconds to realize that my laughter wasn’t okay. Just as I’ve done on many occasions, I misread the statement. Did you know subtext is a thing? People say one thing but they mean another. Do you know how difficult it is to navigate through life living like this?

Isolation has become a friend, my constant companion. The problem is that I hate it. It’s not a good feeling always feeling like an outsider. I had just gotten to the point of pushing myself; I was getting out and about. Although I sometimes have a meltdown or two, I was enjoying getting outside. Maybe pushing myself is a good thing. Maybe I will like meeting people and making new friends at 42 years of age. Maybe it’s okay to be atypical, to stand out and be confident in my oddities. After all, it’s those things that make me who I am.

Maybe I can do…

There is a knock at my door. I opened it to see that old familiar friend. He wasn’t happy to see me, and I didn’t want him to be standing at my door either. I had finally kicked him out to be a better me.

“Hello Isolation. It’s been a while,” I close the door behind him. “Everything is how you left it. Welcome back, I guess?”