Singleness (And my personal observations)

Singleness is supposed to be a gift. It’s an unwanted gift. So many people cannot bear the thought of being alone or not experiencing a great night of sex at least once a month. I have never been in a relationship. I’m 27. There’s no one that seems to be interested in me enough that 1: they want to pursue a relationship with me and 2: I want to pursue a relationship with them.

I was on Tinder for shits and giggles once in 2018.

I mostly swiped left. The men on there weren’t appealing or interesting enough for me to want to swipe right. There were so many “Bros” and “Real Niggas” in my area that my vagina immediately clamped shut and I feared I would never be able to wear a tampon again. There were men I did swipe right on and they were matches! I just didn’t feel the need to talk to them.

One night, I was swiping in the kitchen as usual and I swiped right on a sweaty, red-haired guy who was playing a tenor saxophone. He made a self-deprecating joke in bio. his and I laughed audibly. He deserved a right swipe. We matched.

This guy messaged me not even a minute later. Our banter was fine. Talking to him was fine. I knew I had a wall up because I had (okay, still have) such high standards for men. I was expecting a spark. I wanted to be excited that he texted me. I wasn’t. I was at first, but then I wasn’t. I ghosted him.

Later that year, I came out as bisexual. Truthfully, there was some weird, one-sided slow burn crush on my best friend that left me inexplicably crushed. I had only realized after she had gotten a boyfriend that I loved her. We played around, hung out way too much, confided in each other and eventually pleasured each other. That little heaven (and unrequited, dishonest hell) lasted for a year before it fell apart. I fought for whatever it was that I thought I wanted from her. I subconsciously fought to be the one she loved most.

I was at a party in October 2019. I was pretty wasted and saw this cute girl. It was a compliment that I meant, “You’re so pretty! Can I hug you?” She hugged me, I cried on someone and I went home. November, I was in the ER after losing too much blood while on my cycle and was stuck there. I posted my misfortunes and she messaged me for hours. I felt so wanted. I loved it. I loved getting to know her. Things have slowed down. She has a promotion at work and is busy most days. I realized things may have changed when I sent her a sappy song and got swerved by omission. Understandably, this is not the time to want to be romanced. Yet, I was devastated. Somehow I still hold out hope when I know it’s not happening.

Yet, hope keeps me from being bitter. It helps me believe that I am worthy of love and that one day I will find someone who wants me and actually will be with me. Singleness is an unwanted gift. But maybe it's necessary. I want love, but there are so many parts of myself that I can't love. I can't expect to be loved if I don't know how to love myself. What would I want? I am tired of falling for the initial spark without realizing where this could or want to go. So, my singleness sucks. And it's a wake-up call. I have so many things to work on. So, no cuddles tonight but I can face my need to control everything. I'll be okay.