drug talk to me

Tell me about your 'big weekend', I want to know about it because I care about you. Except I've stopped hearing what you say about what you've tried and what you want to try.

Tell me, does it surprise you to know how it hurts me to hear you brag about it (and I let you), like you're proud of it? Like you don't realise that the bragging is what concerns me the most, because it means that you've found that this escapism means you don't have to face that you would rather self-harm than self-reflect. (You need to learn to reflect in order to heal the pain that is entirely yours and partly inherited from the internet.) Tell me you've seen enough of yourself to know that it's ironic that you are so scared of losing control of yourself that you have to control when you lose control. Is it an antidote if I can see it isn't working?

You know how they say kids these days reference drugs by sniffng a finger slashed under their nose (And I wonder how they know to do this, because when we were kids we only knew of grown up juice and maybe a joint). I told you I met a 13yo recovering crackhead, didn't I? I'm not saying you're responsible for them, ofc, but we are all responsible for ourselves, and surely then each other.

And so I am sorry, because it hasn't been very long since I started having to rely on you to do your part as a colleague, rather than trust that you will as a friend. I'm sorry I stood by in the past and let you, instead of helping you find a different way.

Let me tell you, it would've been so much easier if we'd done something about it before that curtain rise. When did my inner voice become so cynical? Where did you go? You don't reply, so talking to you becomes more and more like talking to myself.

我的担心让我寂寞。