One more

A cacophony of shadows, and all I feel is fear. That's because my life has been nothing but a cacophony of shadows. I've never know a single day without the feeling of fear. Like a sinister friend lingering right there, close enough to keep me on edge but just out of sight. Like the bully in the playground. You hesitantly step in look around not seeing the giver of a push, or tripping you as you run by. You don't need to see him to know he's there. Just waiting, waiting for the moment when it looks like you may actually be enjoying yourself. Then wham, your flat on your face, bloody lip scrapped up knees. Laughter from all the other kids. I stay out of the playground, it's to scary a place to play. Now as an adult the bully is bigger and more sinister. Why can't I be free of the nightmarish life I live? Why must I be targeted by every horrid human being to walk the earth? Head down, hands in pockets, don't make eye contact just keep moving. Quick steps, but don't run then they'll know. They'll all know you're the target, the one to get. A drink helps. Takes the edge off, lets me pick up my head and walk the street to the next store. I say I won't have more than just one. Ha who am I kidding one what drink, never. One bottle? What size? The bigger the better I say, fewer trips to the store. It helps that liquid courage. It's short lived though. One, two three drinks four. Then I see them in the corner, over there. Oh lord why must they scurry around like that. The shadows clambering like that for my attention. Go away I yell. Leave me alone! There it is that cold finger up my spine. I scream and turn every light on. Pounding my head on the wall, "just stop."  It grows stronger the strangle hold on my insides. Why can't I be free of this sinister fiend. Another drink, and another, oblivion is what I seek. Annihilation is my desire. Self hatred is the fertilizer that keeps my fear alive and well. On my knees broken and defeated. I surrender, surrender to the fear. Take me I'm yours I whisper. The darkness creeps in over and through me, the cacophony finally silenced the shadows are gone.